It's so ironic living some times.
Planning for the future doesn't work without any action now. A concept that i've always had in my mind but do I ever put it into action? Oh no. I just assure myself that circumstances dont change so easily. Don't impose on others. Wait till i'm better off.
This has been the second time this has happened, but oh God, it's just so painful to bear. It feels like a nightmare. I finally understand and relate to all those shows where people live in regret of not saying the things they wan't to say early. Stupid thing is though, this has happened twice now. At least the first the chances were low but the second...
The second time is just stupid. So stupid. I keep telling myself to give people space for studies. Give time for her to heal from her ex. I'll bring her out on dates perhaps during my holidays when i'm free. Maybe I can finally admit to her properly.
But I forget that i'm not the only guy out there and just like sucker punch, I get emotionally hit again suddenly.
OKAY i'm sorry if the post above didn't make much sense, in summary, it's been 2 times now I have witheld my tongue from admitting that I
And God knows how it developed so fast. I cannot brain/fathom/imagine/compete. Cuz i'm smooth as sand when it comes to someone I really. really. adore.
Throwing up water & dinner isn't a fun experience either. At least I made a discovery that I suffer when adrenaline hits, the last time I remember throwing up was from overeating. Likeee 2 packets of noodles and 3/4 quarter loaf of bread, with nutella. Today I managed to survivie on 3 pots of tea, a coke, and... thats it. I threw my dinner/lunch up so I guess nothing got digested.
I hate trying to be an angel to everyone, whenever I do something nobody cares, when I screw up everyone remembers it for life. I hate driving extremely slow. I hate to behave on how society dictates me. I've lost so much of my own personality i'm not even sure of who I am anymore. My life isn't going anywhere, I lost an inspiration today (is this considered as an idol though?), my passion is too dangerous, expensive, that and majority of people locally only share partially of it. I can't do anything valuable to the society.
At this point in time I only have God with me. And of course my family and closer friends, that is if they want to help. Only God knows whether they do but it is harsh to accept reality. Better the bitter truth than a sweet lie they say. But bitter is never tasty, for the first time in months/years i've finally broken down again. Going for a drive alone with worship songs can really make you teary. And a gargling mess of tears in the driver seat. Well I always have been emotive haven't I? I mean c'mon I still have a blog :(.
Though i'm not pointing fingers at anyone but myself. I feel like such a loser for not trying at all. All I ever do is think about other people these days, I don't think for myself anymore. How can I please my parents, my friends, my teachers, all except God. FRANKLY this pattern should be reversed. That was at least how I was last time, I didn't care too much about everything except God, and now look at me.
The wake up slap is so harsh I lost the upper hand of winning the girl that always makes me smile stupid. The most consistent girl that could make me laugh.
Fuck. I'm going to miss her sarcasm so bad that i'm tearing again.
I'm going to miss the way she just makes my day by saying hi.
I'm going to miss having a proper conversation.
I'm going to miss all the small details that just make me happy.
I really am such a child :(.
Really really.
Perhaps too much.
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