I hate having emotions, from one high moment to an all time low I can roughly understand why people describe emotions as a roller-coaster. Sitting now behind this wooden desk I feel very uhm, mooooody.
But I was happy just now in the afternoon! Finally after Jesus returned from the heavens and the earth had finally ended in a fiery inferno
After that the brake parts that we ordered at Kakimotor finally arrived, so we had that changed also. New EBC Greenstuff pads, new VTTR slotted & drilled discs and fresh brake fluid. As I was sitting there finishing my last cigarette in the pack I suddenly went to an all time low realizing that these things that i'm happy with are perishable materials.
Y'know how annoying it is for your brain to bring you up when you see something you like then realize that its not going to last forever? I got moody thinking about the past weekend again too, now that i've accepted reality, i'm unsure of how to act around them. I worry I will suddenly feel like a stranger again in the own church I grew up in.
So far i've calmed down a lot more over the last few days, still have that poor appetite/moody mood swings but falling asleep for me is the hardest. Don't get me wrong, I DO sleep peacefully, but to get there I have to keep replaying the scene in my head like a taunt. Pretty much why this blog is magically active again, its no surprise that i've always liked typing down my thoughts.
But still its not exactly fun to have constant repititions of something you don't want to repeat, repeating over and over and over in your head when you lay it down to rest. Well at least once I fall asleep I can sleep tight. Too tight perhaps.
Sleeping patterns have been very reversed, waking up in the late PM to blog out what I feel in the AM and then fall asleep around dawn. But if I have learned something from this is that communication is always the strongest if you want to keep somone close to you. That, and feelings, they have to reciprocate amongst 2. If it's 1 sided it's sad. Like me huehuehue. The last 2 is that all's fair in love and war, girls will always be more important than guys. Why?
I won't bother explaining. Sort of gave you the pieces of the puzzle, and its only 2 to get it complete. Really in the future I have to be more socialable around the people I like. Silly that it's almost a year where I have been in mass com and I cannot even tell that the girl I adore already admires someone else :(. And if I remember correctly, I have asked her whether there was anyone going after her. *SIGHS* What sort of answer was I expecting? It's as sensical as going up to anyone on the street and asking them for their deepest darkest desire, then hoping for a sincere answer.
But on the other side of the story I can hold a conversation with girls that I treat merely as friends. I really do hope I don't fall into self-condemnation but goodness, the amount of stupid I feel is way beyond 9000. And i'm not angry, or sad, i'm just so disappointed that I cannot rewind back the clock to try it again.
Now I have to wait and try to fix awkwardness with a girl who knows every single thing I admire about her and the guy who went after her then apologized.
I really cannot fathom the logic in that at all. How is apologizing supposed to help me? It's like buying a house that I just don't have enough resources to purchase or consider seriously at this point in time, then after buying it I get an apology. At least there are no secrets kept though. That is something I find admirable.
There are ups in this. At least, at least, I still managed to finally confess to a girl before my wedding day. I managed to feel how it's like to have plain stupid adoration towards someone. I managed to be head over heels with someone, yet not knowing about it. I managed to see the true colors of my friend without gettting him drunk or angry. You only know that you really really like someone when you get panic attacks when someone tells you she likes him. Coming from someone who never gets panic attacks this is... quite amazing. And at least I got my favorite lesson of all, reality. Reality that time doesn't wait for anyone, people will do things if you're slow and don't take oppurtunities. It's even better if you're busy. Taking that oppurtunity, from others is just so easy. How many things am I going to lose at the moment until I stop getting slaps of reality? I'm not pointing fingers, you can't call dibs on a human being, its just that it's extremely harsh to get reminded in this way.
I have to remember not to put so much faith and trust into people. Everybody has their own vice, but I fail to remember that once the oppurtunity for temptation takes hold its hell to pull out. I mean this words are coming from a smoker, i've tried quitting a while now. So far it's not working because I genuinely love tobacco, it's rich cultural background and how it came to be. With every puff I feel like i'm breathing history through my lungs, but its just a shitload of things that will kill me. As much as I know this I can never convince myself to stop. Likewise if an oppurtunity opens, who can resist making a beautiful girl laugh, to get her wrapped her around your little finger with her feelings, to just have that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling once again? It's hard. I do wan't all of that, but i've always been a 'later' person. Some people wan't it... well earlier than me I suppose. Were humans.
So no doubt if you don't try to make a move, you don't do anything about an oppurtunity, you too will be blogging here like me on regretting how you missed an oppurtunity. And no you can't point fingers, it doesn't work that way. You can't stop people from liking each other, thats just inhuman. If you love someone let them go. Love, like, if you're a human you don't be a tyrant.
I think i'll just end this with a verse that was on instagram. Yes, i'm sorry I don't pick my bible up enough :(.
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love it does not envy
Love it does not boast
Love it is not proud
Love it is not rude
Love it is not self-seeking
Love it is not easily angered
Love keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil
Love rejoices with the truth
Love always protects
Love always trusts
Love always hopes
Love always perseveres
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Not exactly word for word correct, I did get it off my friends acc. But after reading this I just felt so much... calmer. It is a good few verses to remember though, someday I hope that I can have the time to read the bible to my wife & children like how my parents used to read it to me. As much as atheists say the bible is just a story book, for merely a story book they put in a lot of effort in its content.
Funny coincidence, the last time this happened was too when a new Disney show was launched that I liked. It's been twice now.
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