Sunday, April 21, 2013

Why Should I Suffer?

Why should it be me. Every single day after that incident (go through my older posts and you'd surely be able to piece together this puzzle) I still struggle mentally to get over it. I still can not get over the fact that some people have the nerve to do that. I have dreamt of stabbing, kicking, chopping, fighting, running over with a car and a thousand ways of getting revenge at him, but when I wake I tell myself this isn't what God wants of me.
So back to the topic on why should it be me who suffers bad dreams? Interestingly enough, after reading the bible today the answer has surfaced. Whether its one that its hypothesis can be used, or it is very questionable, i'll blog it out anyway. God himself has suffered for other peoples sins, ignorance, and every other thing by getting nailed on a cross. It doesn't take a genius to understand where i'm going at, does it?

Christians are supposed to be 'images' of God, meaning we are supposed to live as he did, as close as possible. It is said in the bible where we will be hated for doing what is right, but suffering for other peoples ignorance & decisions, that I sincerely can not remember whether anything related is in the bible or not. Even though that, i'm not very surprised this incident has happened. After all I always have been very hard-hearted and what more to soften my heart than something that will harden it to its maximum? I feel like it is the ultimate test of my forgiveness, as I can claim I am a Christian, but if I do not love my brother in Christ, I do not love Christ because he is love.

Still though, theory is always easier said than done. I'm pretty sure God will deal with him sooner or later, but for now I should not be vengeful or anything. It sucks to have nightmares where there is blood everywhere and i'm the demon wielding the knife. I guess dreams amplify the depths of your soul, the deepest and darkest wants & wishes. Anyways wherever it goes, I hope this makes both of them wiser. I know it has made me a slight bit wiser, knowing for one never to tell anyone about a girl i'm chasing after. Especially not someone who doesn't give 2 fucks about other peoples emotions, and has thicker skin than you.

I have to learn to be much more discreet & private in everything I do.

IN OTHER NEWS THOUGH, MY SR20DET SWAP IS HALFWAY DONE. I shall update about that some other time when I feel like :).

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Do Or Die.

Such a dramatic label for a post, i'm just being playful with the words I choose to start this post.

I can't believe it is already March. The first of march 2013, and my 3rd semester in college is really flying by. Anyways i'll be rambling on this post about a few things, a totally new enviroment, public relations, updates about my wagon and smoking. Funny thing is, if you've been following my blog consistently you'll notice I always bring up the subject of smoking, but thats for later anyways.

Okay for starters, the new enviroment i'm in. It's not new actually, it's the church i've shifted to. DUMC, to be specific. DUMC is a church where it is really easy to get comfortable with, in terms of socializing. It's only been 4(ish) times i've been there and i'm alerady getting comfy voicing out my opinions on things. (As if I don't do that enough pfft.) But from a theological point of view, it's MILES ahead of what I expected. I highly doubt i'll be ever going back to my old church.

I'm also enjoying myself a lot in college, particularly in public relation class. I will not lie, I get ego-boosts everytime i'm there. I just feel so at home with the subject. Better yet the compliments I get from the lecutrer make me blush ahaha. She claims that I should be dating older girls because of the way I react to situations, anyways besides that I think that we will be going to some PR firms to meet the seniors in PR. I'm really really excited for that. It feels like my life is finally going somewhere ^.^V.

Ah and my wagon, my mode of transportation. Finally, the swap is starting. Well okay, no it hasn't :(. I've only been scouting for garages to take the car in for the swap. So far 2 garages are scouting for engines for me, and they both can do installation, endorsement and the small issues. I swear engine swaps are the biggest hassles ever, and I haven't even started. Why such a hassle though? Okay i'll run you through what you need to do for an engine swap, especially on an odd car. First up, consider what engine is going in. Having the options for a SR16VE, SR20VE, and a SR20DET makes it hard. As if 3 engines aren't hard enough to decide about, all have their upsides and downsides. The 16VE, it has the most power without a turbo. But the capacity being stuck at 1600cc will always be at a disadvantage to the 20VE and 20DET. The 20VE has of course, a bigger capacity but the cams are milder than the 16VE. That and its revcut limits you to 7000rpm, but it still has power climbing up at the top. Extra power can be unlocked by just swapping in 16VE cams. These 2 don't have any issues with gearbox mounting and all since they came with FF ones. I think they came with a smaller 8.5" clutch in comparision to the 4WD DET, which came with a 9" one, which is the last option to use. The SR20DET of course out of the box has much more potential than either two combined. In fact, there are frankenstein head swaps where I can always take a 20VE head and plug it onto the DET block with no problems. The issue for the swap here is... the gearbox. As I mentioned above it comes from a 4WD car, and in Malaysia, you are not allowed to convert your car to a 4WD. This forces anyone like me who is attempting the swap, to swap in a FWD gearbox. But swapping the gearbox i've heard of people saying the driveshafts never match, the gears can shatter, and the clutch slips more than a drunk guy running on a frozen lake with an oil spill on it. Ah and the fact my wagon is carburetted, I have to get a fuel injected model fuel tank, because it runs a return hose I think or something like that. For handling i've got a set of R32 4-pot brakes lying around, that again, I have to get it refurbished before getting it mounted onto the car, and mounting it onto the car, again will require mods because my car is not a Skyline or anything as such. Frankly if I had a proton to start out with these headaches will out of the way, practically non-existant. But their stuff is bleeding. expensive. That is the only redeeming factor playing around with Nissans, nobody wants their engines & parts. The 20VE is 3-4k? DET would be around 6, in comparision, a 4G93T for say a satria, that goes for around 11k. Yeah astronomical, I know. I really pray that these garages aren't taking me for a fool. The last thing I need is the car to be falling apart even after the swap. It's bad enough that my parents have to pay for everything. So to any Malaysian kid who comes across my blog, my advice is GET A PRE-SWAPPED CAR. It's easier fixing problems rather than starting from the ground up. Unless you have a kancil or somethinig.

The last thing i'll be posting about is about smoking! You all are probably wondering when the heck i'm going to make up my mind about this matter, aren't you? Funny thing is I am too. I can NEVER justify the reason to stop smoking. Well physically i've already proven I can do just fine without it, but see thats from a human perspective. What does God say? I was curious, so google, my best buddy came to the rescue as usual. I came across this interesting article about smoking and being a follower in Christ, a.k.a being a christian and puffing on a cancer stick after church or something. WHY I keep searching this up is because my mindset has never been very normal. I am always torn apart the fact that yes, cigarettes are a huge stumbling block to young christians, and yes they are harmful. But just because they are frowned upon by the society, does that mean if I smoke when I am alone I am sinning? I guess this whole article from overseas helps me out. I have yet to finish reading the whole bible, so my opinions are really really minor. Please take this with a pinch of salt. I may be writing an article sooner or later down the road how the opposite is true. I am forever upgrading myself, and I just enjoy blogging about what I am going through because not a lot of people express themselves these days. See if I remember correctly, smoking is frowned upon because it is a form of addiction, and as Christians, we must not be bound to earthly masters who come before God. But the thing is other addictions lie before us. Eating. Having a cup of coffee before class. Spending excessive time on hobbies and blowing money on it that you will never get back again. All these too can become idols, but in society it isn't frowned upon. Sure, eating a few macaroons, having a cup of coffee daily and racing cars over the weekend isn't dangerous right? Yeah until you get diabetes, random spikes of energy bursts and crashes throughout the day and literally, crashes in a car race. See the problem is everything in my own opinion should be done in MODERATION. Including smoking. Yes there is tar in cigarettes and everything, but if you take say a pack a week or so, is that more unhealthy than going to your local fast food joint and gorging on burgers 3 times a week? People say its unhealthy but still go there. Why not just abstain from everything poisonous around you? If I really want to nitpick, and I will because its my blog after all, why not just grow your own vegetables and rare your own livestock? I'm getting a bit sarcastic here but my point should be clear, if you can control it and your life is for God, is it a sin? But this doesn't give you the license to go out an buy crack and say this is for God. Drugs are highly addictive, and the damage caused by it is insane. If you think you're funny and go against what i've blogged, be my guest. Only prayers can save you then haha.

I'm still a very young Christian, even though i've been one for 20 years. Whatever i've said here, if you do come across it and feel I should be informed i'm all ears. Really this is just my own personal opinion, not to step on anyones toes so don't feel offended or whatever yeah? I'm going to conclude this post with something I find very important, or at least it people should be aware of this. You will not get very far in life if you don't put yourself first and step out of comfort zones. It is okay sometimes to be selfish. You need that to survive. I know I do.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Out Of My Comfort Zone.

As the post says above I... finally have the courage (motivation?) to try and get out entirely of my comfort zone to fend for myself. It's a new year and a new semester in college, the 3rd to be specific. First day of class was quite draggy so to speak, but also at the same time, its refreshing considering that i'll be learning how to photosop pictures properly!

I'm blogging this out because really i've ran out of people to chat with that can actually hold a conversation with me. Truthfully exiting my comfort zone is extremely mentally exhausting, as much as I wish that it would become simpler as time passes I still haven't settled down with the thought that i'm now attempting to be a bookworm, i've stopped smoking and attempting to use a computer other than Tumblr & to read Speedhunter articles endlessly.

To make matters more complicated this weekend i'm taking one of the biggest leaps of faith ever for myself. I'm heading to a place where I have quite a reputation, and i'm planning on settling down there haha. It's almost suicide to think of it from a mental perspective, but what do I have to lose? I should be saying to myself "O ye of little faith", a constant reminder to put my fears and worries into God's hands instead of me trying to attempt extinguish situations that are too big for me. I just have to give up all my fears to God and walk through the straight and narrow.

Funny though as much as I can utter these through my own mouth with no hesitations, mentally I still worry day to day. I'm fully aware that my reputation is far from spotless, likewise to those who don't know me very well I assume they see me as a kid too spoiled to work to get things from my parents. Likewise I always worry that I could be using my time better to 'gain experience' somewhere better. Financially or even a skill, it's still something isn't it?

But assurance has always been nearby me thankfully, especially from my family. My parents know my personality in and out, through and through how tunnel minded I can be at times, never backing down or lowering my standards to the morals & standards that are accepted by society thes days. It really is like a double-edged sword because as much as a perfectionist I think I am in doing things, I have to adapt to the surroundings i'm in. I'm in 'boleh land' where generally, we do not have any standards anymore. But on the other hand the perfectionist in me can also be used to inspire people similar minded to attempt at changing the country.

It's painful though to constantly wonder about the future daily. The last time I had this convo with my mom she said that due to my characther generally I won't have a lot of friends. To make matters worse she said i'm going to have a lot of hurt in myself as I grow up as well. Really it's been a very long time since i've broken down, but I cried a whole lot. Like niagara falls a lot. Why can't I ever be like a normal kid who drives a normal car with a basic shallow perspective of the world and who does average things? Thankfully though my mum was quick to assure me that generally leaders have the same charactheristics as my personality. Anyways the whole concept of hierachy also shows how lonely it is at the top if you were to look at it from a 3D point of view like a Pyramid. A lot of people don't make it to the top.

So after that incident i'm uh... here venting haha. Hey readers! Whoever still reads. I think stepping out of my comfort zone is one of those things in life where it prepares you to do things that you don't like, but may have to do it out of necessity.

These days most of the teenagers have cushy lifes if I were to really nitpick. Our parents are the ones who work hard to pay off our education, they also buy us gadgets, clothes, vehicles, food, and various assets to a hobby, but i'm referring to the life i'm familiar with. Not to those who have to earn a living to buy their own car. I'm sorry but I just was never brought up there, and everyday I do feel guilty for having these luxuries, but at the same time I can wholeheartedly say that every millimetre of my life is blessed. I've never had to make a noise louder than a squeak to my parents if I need help and they're more than willing to buy material items for me to be a socially accepted and contributing person. Yet it is ironic because most of the people I know, myself included partially, don't maintain what were given. Do you know how to iron your clothes & fold them? Do you know how to clean a car, polish it and wax it? Do you know how to hold a converstaion properlly without constantly glancng at your phone like a prick? A lot of people can't do these things.

This blog is really becoming a rant blog HAHA. But until I find some other place to blurt all these out i'll have to resort to a blog. Tumblr is ironically, too open as much as its more of a picture blog. I constantly rant about these minute things because I find that people these days just cannot get out of their comfort zones. Me myself included. It's like this generation of media has such a huge stronghold over the way we think, act, behave until the point we can't think for ourselves anymore. I won't go into detail because I too fall into this category of lazy people not changing things. I do want to change things, but there's that age-old excuse of 'i've got no time'. But these days it's not really much of an excuse anymore if you prioritize education and getting really great scores. To make matters worse if you're active in college too with all their clubs, societies & gatherings it doesn't help. I'm in the minority where my evenings are actually pretty free, i'm hoping to find a place where I belong where I can put myself to use. Or maybe I can just get a puppy and use my time to devote myself to it bringing it up IDK haha.

I think i've ranted long enough for this post. I'm not too sure what i've accomplished in this post but to any youths out there who read this, if you SINCERELY want a change in life GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE and learn something new. Sometimes the things you need are bitter in life for a short while but sweeten up at the end.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Of Psalms & Proverbs

I need to be up by 6.30am and its 4.55am, not one of the wisest times to blog but ha! I just have to. Idk why I felt like reading my bible at 3-ish in the AM. Not a usual routine of mine but meh, here are some verses that I just can't keep internally. Find it so relevant to what I feel.

Psalm 6 basically. Verses 2, 4, and 8-10.

Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord heal me, for my bones are in agony,

Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love,

Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has head my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer. All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed; they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

It's so interesting to pick up a book that was written ages ago where David wrote these Psalms to God, feeling so free to express himself. If only we ourselves freely express ourselves to God. I know I haven't been doing that but picking up the bible to read really helps.

After finishing Proverbs i'm finally starting with Psalms! Ashamed that this bible has been with me since 2005 and it's still so unweathered. That and I should have picked this up when I had more time, my holidays are ending and I have a paper to resit :(. MEH.

To all those reading this, go read a bible whenever. Wisdom, knowledge and the true living God are pretty good things to keep in life, especially in times of trouble.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Saga Seeds.

Since i've got nothing better to do i've decided to make a post to the humble Proton Saga! A brief history of this, it was Malaysia's first ever national car. What proton decided to do to name it is to give the public a contest to come up with a quirky name for their ancient brand spanking new car! So cutting the story short the name saga somehow was chosen, and the production of the saga went on from the day Jesus Christ walked the earth until 2007 if i'm not wrong.

You guys I hope will find more credible sources to read the history of this national car, because truthfully I'm too lazy to reference everything accurately. I love the Proton Saga though. Why? Well rewinding the clock to when my dad was much younger and I was still in a single digit state of age, my dad owned a 1985 metallic maroon Mitsubishi Cordia. Basically it is a coupe version of this proton, much lower, wider, 2 doors and well... FWD. It wasn't a performance car at all but it sure looked like one. Long nose, short tail, deep maroon paint, when you're young you can't tell the difference between a performance car and a slow but stylish one.

Now that i'm 19+ and have done my fair share of reading and driving, I have taken liking for this last generation saga. This was proton's final attempt at 'modernizing' the original saga. Think about that. refreshing a 20+ year old car. I think it was one of the last few cars in Malaysia that could be bought with a carburettor still. ANYWAYS ironically that is exactly WHY I love the car so much! You see as finicky & picky as I am, I like simple things. I just like simple things done right.

So for starters this car is a very simple car. The only added weight on these things are probably the power steering units... if you ordered them. They have no ABS, EBD, AYC, SC, or any other sort of safety device and acronyms besides seatbelts. But the good thing about these cars are that the interior was somewhat updated! You get a fancy dashboard that looks pretty similiar to the first generation lotus elise. Nothing surprisng there considering proton owns lotus. I just like the simpleness of the interior.

Driving the saga with your eyes shut would make you feel like you're driving in the past. The saga is really one of THE most comfortable cars i've ever sat in my life. Don't forget i've driven a rolls-royce before and tons of luxury cars. The Saga's suspension is so soft it just absorbs majority of bumps it encounters. It feels sloppy to drive just like an old car should, but perhaps thats the charm of it that I love.

See I love simple things, taking them and then modifying them to be better. My dream would be to acquire one of these last-gen Sagas and build it up to the quality of Hondas overseas. The full works, interior, suspension, engine work, and do it with that certain quality that 99.99% of Malaysians can never pull off.

The engine is another thing I have this love hate relationship with. I love the fact that the 4G13/5 engines are so simple to work on. There are tons of mechanics who can fix it, spare parts are aplenty and likewise too aftermarket mods. Basic stuff from air filters all the way to stroker kits. What I do not like about it ironically is its... age. Being a 20+ year old engine in design isn't the best recipe to squeeze out power unless it has VTEC or Cosworth somewhere written in it. So what i've always dreamed of doing with this 4G1 series engine is to... well... squeeze as much power as I can out of it! And what more a better platform than the aged saga. You have an aged body & engine but both have been modded with the highest end parts, brimming with technolgy. That is my ulitmate goal besides building the wagon. Anyways this is also the closest I can get to a cordia. Majority of them out there are all rolling shitboxes anyways. 

My love for these old engines started due to a certain someone inviting me to join their group for a race. Specifically, Zeno inviting me to join the 4G1Series guys. Thanks to them my family now has a little satria 3-speed auto which I love so dearly. I enjoy squeezing as much efficiency as I can from that ancient engine. As ancient as it is proton has tried to update it to modern standards. The last few models were dubbed as 'VDO or SVDO' engines due to their Siemens VDO ecu. Pretty smart ECU too. It has both closed & open loop functions for the AFR, basically meaning it is a self correcting ecu at certain conditions. This has caused a LOT of frustration to stupider people wanting to modify and 'tune' the VDO. They call it rubbish because it overwrites the open loop tuning when in closed loop. The only piggybacks that can control it are Works Engineering EMS & Unichip for all I know. Anyways i've always wondered how it would be like transplanting in a 4G15 VDO into the aging saga and then mod it from there onwards. As much as I love carburetted cars I hate the fact that twin-carb cars and airconditioning aren't a great combo. That and lopey camshaft idling doesn't help either.

Handling the saga needs a lot of work to be done to the chassis to make it handle well. Autofoam, ALL the Ultra Racing chassis bars would be a start. All except the ARBs. I find those too small a diameter. Then there would be... HWL with their coilovers. The only thing I want from them would be the rear springs though. The dampers and all I think there are always better ones out there. The saga's weak chassis needs all the stiffening it can get.

To those who are looking for a cheap starter race car, by all means get one of these if your intention is just to have fun. To be competitive and win, go with a newer platform with better geometry. I just did this post out of fun to let my thoughts out of my head, hope you enjoyed reading it eitherways!


My holidays are almost up. Hmm. As much as I would love to add a lively tone to this update I don't have any sort of idea to, so bear with me okay?

I'm still very moody. Perhaps those events of 2012 are going to leave a much bigger mark on me than I can even imagine. Of recent i've gone back to my old addictions, tumblr-ing! Funny thing is though i've stopped smoking. Even the addiction + craving is gone, as soon as I started it again i've stopped. About 3 weeks ago I gave my pack away because I knew I could stop, and indeed I have. I feel good about that, enough to pat my own back :). But anyways thats not tha main issue that i'm making a new post.

The main reason is err... finally about my car haha. HUEHUEHUE new engine soon. That and I think i'm turning into an introvert. Hoho the noisy Ian is now quieter. I'm really worried about this because thinking back over the past few years I recall that the majority of my 'extrovertness' was due to my 'confidence' in doing right. That and nicotine sticks. Ciggs really do get you into the 'cool crowd' exactly how the media portrays them as. You'd probably be thinking just because Ian is staying home 99% of the time now, how does that make him an introvert? Well, the credibility of this is questionable but i'll just put this down.

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.
Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.
Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.
Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.
Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

I'm On A Streak!

God knows what sort of unlucky one though. Last Sunday of the year and... I was pretty jolly in the morning. Had breakfast consisting of fruitcake & a cup of self-brewed Milo. Planned to be early to church today because I haven't been in ages but noooo, my stomach decided to disagree with me.

Needless to say I managed to see how my breakfast was after i had chewed on it already. Ugh. Totes gross right? Haha but i'm not blogging about that. I want to blog about Psalms 28. While moaning all over the house I just got one of those voices in my head to tell me to read Psalms 28, no hurt right to check it out? It's long so i'll just ctrl+c it over from another website:

1 To you, Lord, I call;
you are my Rock,
do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent,
I will be like those who go down to the pit.
2 Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands
toward your Most Holy Place.
3 Do not drag me away with the wicked,
with those who do evil,
who speak cordially with their neighbors
but harbor malice in their hearts.
4 Repay them for their deeds
and for their evil work;
repay them for what their hands have done
and bring back on them what they deserve.

5 Because they have no regard for the deeds of the Lord
and what his hands have done,
he will tear them down
and never build them up again.

6 Praise be to the Lord,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.
7 The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise him.

8 The Lord is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
9 Save your people and bless your inheritance;
be their shepherd and carry them forever.

These few verses just... speak to me y'know. I guess my proud nature in me rejoices because of verses 3-5, but then again maybe its because I have a 38 1/2 degree celcius fever i'm trippin' like this. Maybe. I should get some sleep, tata!