I'm On A Streak!

God knows what sort of unlucky one though. Last Sunday of the year and... I was pretty jolly in the morning. Had breakfast consisting of fruitcake & a cup of self-brewed Milo. Planned to be early to church today because I haven't been in ages but noooo, my stomach decided to disagree with me.

Needless to say I managed to see how my breakfast was after i had chewed on it already. Ugh. Totes gross right? Haha but i'm not blogging about that. I want to blog about Psalms 28. While moaning all over the house I just got one of those voices in my head to tell me to read Psalms 28, no hurt right to check it out? It's long so i'll just ctrl+c it over from another website:


¹ To you, Lord, I call;
you are my Rock,
do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent,
I will be like those who go down to the pit.
² Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands
toward your Most Holy Place.

³ Do not drag me away with the wicked,
with those who do evil,
who speak cordially with their neighbors
but harbor malice in their hearts.
⁴ Repay them for their deeds
and for their evil work;
repay them for what their hands have done
and bring back on them what they deserve.

⁵ Because they have no regard for the deeds of the Lord
and what his hands have done,
he will tear them down
and never build them up again.

⁶ Praise be to the Lord,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.
⁷ The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise him.

⁸ The Lord is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
⁹ Save your people and bless your inheritance;
be their shepherd and carry them forever.


These few verses just... speak to me y'know. I guess my proud nature in me rejoices because of verses 3-5, but then again maybe its because I have a 38 1/2 degree celcius fever i'm trippin' like this. Maybe. I should get some sleep, tata!

The Vine & The Branches

I couldn't sleep 15 minutes ago, anxiety has been killing me this past month.

I'm too tired to be detailed but i'll just summarize it simply by saying I know that i'm not the most wanted person around. Well and being a chatty person this isn't somethng I like to know. So I was just lying in my bed around 9AM, I just asked God 'What's happening to me? I need to sleep, please remove this fear.' Instantly I got this.


John 15:8.


I was like whut? A verse? Okay cool.


So here it is, John 15:8; "This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."


I didn't quite get how being disliked had anything to do with God's glory, so I scanned the page and another 2 verses caught my eye, John 15:18 & 19 ; " If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world HATES you. "

Shocked? Haha no not really actually. I've always know i've had a cocky attitude. Cocky, indesicive and very headstrong attitude but not for bad reasons. After reading this I went online to do a bit more of searching up hence why i'm making this post. Turns out that John 15 is a chapter that is as straightforward and subtle as a punch in the face. This chapter 15 specifically adresses disciples as I guess. I'm no genius but it's pretty simple to understand the metaphors used.

In verse 6 it says that " If anyone who does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ".

Those few verses have given me my peace to sleep. Just to confirm I wasn't just plain reassuring myself and jumping to conclusions I read commentaries and surprise surprise, it means exactly what I think it does. So perhaps I shouldn't beat up upon myself so hard all the time. I know i'll never be a persons first role model, but now I finally understand more about that and not just from a physical standpoint.

I am not going to be on the losing end where I try to become a prodigal son, relaxing in the spoils of my father in my youth and then repenting when I lose everything. Or maybe I already have? I'm not sure. Anyways however my life turns out I should be prepared to be hated a lot more along the way. Mr.Philip told me in college during the previous sem that ' he feels that i'll go through of hardship to get what I want '. Funny things is I always thought he was talking about my grades, but I never chatted with him because of my grades. Looks like I finally get what he meant. Man i'm pretty slow in these kinda things :|.


I'm not planning to be thrown into a fire because of being a branch that is useless, whatever it takes to be that branch that has fruit I wan't to be there. I wan't to earn that faith when I have nothing physical left in my life, I still will smile and just wait on the Lord. I wan't to have the courage from God to overcome the things people in life always put me down with.

Having faith as small as a mustard seed is enough to be that jumpstart to get to know God. I know my faith may be small but if things like these keep up I know i'll be going places, and who knows, a 180 degree change in my perhaps? We shall see. As of now I NEED MY SLEEP I'M TIRED KTHXBAI. 

Boxxing.

It's boxing day isn't it? Haha for me, its just another random day passing through, well, at least I thought so until this evening.

Like seriously if the previous yamcha was refreshing, todays one was beyond refreshing. This is the sort of yamcha I enjoy. Anyways okay its quite queer that these days i've been called out by my later friends. Think 25+ of age haha, anyways this guy used to come to church in the same branch as me but is now in Subang so I haven't seen him in ages.

So okay I headed out with him today for supper, he hadn't eaten so we went to Williams about 11pm. See before I continue on this post i'll give you an idea of how his personality is in one word. Confident. Like really out of all the humans i've met he's one of those few where he doesn't really spare his words in where he thinks he is right.

It's not exactly rocket science to see why I enjoy chats with him every now and then, he's that sort of human that can just have a clean long debate with tons of topics to bring up. Mentally stimulating. So somehow again (its like a pattern has started, freaky haha) the topic of tonight was well, advice! Since he's older 5 years than me, scratch that, 6 we just had started on a chat of what is worrying us and whats new with us.

The content of our conversation varied from girl problems to work, to the society and the mentality of people & girls. What he said is that for one, being young and dating will never work out. Well he said you can go try, but you'll probably end up failing just like 99% of people that optimistically jump into one at a young age. So in return I asked him, how do you know?

Haha then here's where the fun part started. He being the usual confident guy says that girls from 19-22, only then they start growing up. How sure he is i'm not sure but hey, I listen okay! So he was saying that not just physically they change, but why mentally they change is usually due to exposure to work. He has done various jobs with various sexes, so okay la why debate on the accuracy. I myself have never held a proper job. He says that people when they work, then only they know how it is like to provide food on the table, the struggle of it and the responsibilities that will be burdened on you. Not in the sense where you work part-time as a waiter or scooping ice-cream, but think of working in a office where if you mess up good, your company's progress is slowed down due to you. That sort of depth.

So only then after going through that kind of work after awhile people (both guys and girls) start only then looking for a criteria, that quality in a person of hardworkingness and resoponsibility. I sort of understoon where he was going at. Like being in college I don't have to work for my fees, work for the maintainance of my car, work for my clothes, work for my food, it is all provided by my dads savings. So I too have NOT felt the pinch of keeping something I earnt.

However he also assured me that I shouldn't overthink the future. People grow up, even he says that when I get to around... 23 onwards people that have a lot of 'fun' will 'die' off and start paying for their lack of better decisions. Well okay la not in that sort of tone, but he said that people who are 'nice' and 'fun' all the time doesn't necessarily mean they're useful. Usually the people that work the lowest in the company have that attitude...... I suppose it's due to their so lackluster and easy going attitude that they can't push anything to be done. That was also told by another older friend, who is 28 who works in the entertainment business. He says that generally these sort of people are only good at running away or pointing fingers at others when they get criticized for being lazy. Hearing things like these from people who have actually stable jobs and money enough to spend on themselves to enjoy, it REALLY cheers me up.  I ended up leaving Williams at 3.40am due to chatting non-stop, the only reason why we stopped was because the place was closing up.

Granted though that doesn't mean I can be a prick and tell everyone to grow up. BOTH of them told me, why are you giving people free help when they don't want it? So I suppose the softness in my characther is there. I don't want my friends failing or making any bad choices, but I don't own them. I don't own anyone. Tough, but I really cannot bear to see things like this happen.

Anyways i'll leave this emo post behind! I'm very happy that now i've got people to chat with about jobs, I can get sound advice as well. So far i've collected a few... first and foremost? The most cliche'd advice ever in the history of mankind: STUDY. But don't just cheat through exams! UNDERSTAND what you learn, when you do so you can apply it into the field that you do. Why this is always repeated because what they said it's simple. You can learn by a man teaching you in an airconditioned room with you lazing around, all you have to do is listen and take notes. You can learn that way, or F**K up in reality and learn the hard way. You waste time and resources. So... okay noted. I'm enjoying college anyways.

Secondly would be don't hang onto people. What does that mean? Okay there are so many people in the world, they form groups called cliques. Everyone has their place, but when someone gets so comfortable in one, even though they may not be positive, if you wan't to leave that social group it's not easy. Why? Humans are creature of habit. Once you are comfortable in a position that doesn't SEEM like it's going to bother you at all you don't bother changing. I learned this in psychology class though, sadly I can't remember what it is. The experiment is where you put a frog in warm water and slowly heat the water up. The frog being comfortable gets drowsy and eventually falls asleep and then gets cooked. Thankfully, human beings all get the chance to get out of that warm water. I know I don't want to stay in there. I have to learn if people don't want me around, they don't want me around simple as that. If i'm not valued, don't try to be. Harsh stuff but hey, thats life.

Third is that to be sucessful you usually have to be a prick even though you don't like it. I naively asked why. Lol the answer I got was not far off from a lecture, but I enjoyed it thankfully haha. Well the theory behind it is simple, if you are entertaining a crowd of 100% , and the 10% that constantly criticize you, you listen to them consistently how much confidence are you going to have? You have to learn how to blow people off. Simple.


Assurance, it feels so good :').

Change.

I'm 19 this year for those who don't know.

I'm not a full grown adult by any means, but neither am I still lingering in my childhood. By 2013 marks the year that i've lived for 2 decades and that scares me. Well, okay not scares me. It makes me ponder on how much i've changed in a matter of... 4-5 years?

Why i'm being so borderline pessimistic is probably because I realize that these days humor & lightheartedness is rare. At least for me to find a reason to. Rewinding the clock a few years back I was happy. I was enjoying myself in school, I had a girlfriend, I laughed at everything with no worries. Hanging out with friends was more productive than not, but even friends change.

This few weeks I have been reading a lot. Reading blogs, tweets, online articles, FB rubbish, that few years of growing up have seem to made everyone into pessimists or dull-ish people. I fall into that category as dull, borderlining pessimistic.

I've been wanting to have a wholehearted chat with... someone and actually get answers. Sadly I just do not have that large or oppiniated enough a group to have more than just the usual ramblings. I have thought of starting a chat with er... a certain someone from highschool. Someone I never got to have a decent conversation with, even though i think we can chat pretty well haha. Been lazy enough to start because my friend says she doesn't like texting/whatsapping. Pfft. Okay. I've bothered her enough in highschool, not planning on starting to again. Maybe I will if I can even think of why do I want a chat.

Physically even I feel odd looking at my self everyday with short hair. I know I look good, finally my hair stands up straight and looks naturaly but... gosh. I'm almost 20 next year. My long hair phase is over. Physically i'm not a child anymore and mentally, its catching up as well in its growth phase.

I wish I had a friend that would just go to a random park with me and do nothing. I miss sitting around, doing nothing and having a popsicle while enjoying the weather.

Merry Christmas Gais!

Wow. 2012 has another 6 days left, the whole year has flown by at uhh... a blink of an eye. Hoorey i'm getting poetic! Hah. Anyways first & foremost to whoever reading this I hope you had a good year, may the next be awesome-r and God Bless.


Okay so i'm really not sure of what I wan't to blog about today. I feel... refreshed. Both mentally and physically.


Rewinding the clock to early evening where I went out for awhile with Aman to go see his car near Uncle Ramly's place (my usual carb tuner), Aman couldn't help but to go over to Uncle Ramly's shop becuz he was doing donuts. Called uncle LOA HAHA.

While being in Ramly's shop and discussing about his track escort was quite mindblowing, to see how much of work had been done in it. AP Racing brakes, Bilstein suspension with watts linkage , Avon slicks, Fully built Ford OHC 2.0 Pinto, cams, forged internals, whatever you can think of he has done it.


However though I wasn't really blown away by what he had done to the car. Anyone with money can do that too, but I was more of observing how choices in life really determine the outcome of it. The car mechanically isn't in sorry state, but the bodywork has a lot to be desired. His shop is full of spares he will never need, and he has many many outstanding loans. After leaving the place I had a chat with Aman, he says that his attitude in the past cost him his reputation, and in effect, his business and voila. Uncle Ramly isn't young anymore.


So that got me thinking as usual, seems like I do this waaaaay too much these days. Sometimes you just have to know when to put a brake on spending. Well, either that or learn to save more. Motorsports is not a cheap thing at all. Cost of the car, suspension at a minimum, tires, fuel, it goes on and on. I was just wondering how things will turn out with my car, so after dinner I hit the highway to clear my mind.


After going round and round I bumped into Loh, since I haven't seen my usual gang in awhile I decided to pop by to SK. Shortly after we settled Mike popped by as well! Then only the yamcha became interesting for me.


Somehow we started going to the topic on engine swaps then about GRA. GRA i'm not very sure if its an autocross or gymkhana, but needless to say you have a rough idea of how it's driving style is. Slow speed, techy driving. We were discussing whats needed to join, and surprisingly it's really not as much as I thought it would be. All I need is a special license and a mechanically sound car.


So tonight went very well. It's really a refreshing talk out of the usual topics which never have much depth to it, Mike & Dan managed to influence me to keep on to the GA16 first and get a bit of experience in GRA. Looks like i'll again have a new agenda for the first quarter of 2013 haha. Mike took my car out for testing and surprise surprise, he couldnt throw my car because my handbrake is too loose and it locks up on one side. Not really surprised considering the car is already tilting to one side. And even better yet... Mike says that irritating knocking sound that has been coming from my engine bay for ages is. my. engine. Hoho. Now I know why the GA's piston rings are giving up.


Looks like now I have to send it in for some mild repairs and hit the track. Mike was nice enough to offer me steelies for the rear, Dan offered me a helmet, so now I just need to run fresh brake pads, brake fluid, fix my vacuum advance on my distributor, check whether the distributor is healthy, then check the engine timing, last but not least get the front suspension to be at least level. God knows that thing handles entirely different in left and right corners hahahaha. The only thing I find super mafan about this is the fact I have to drill holes to mount a fire extinguisher. That and I have to find a solution to keep my engine from dying everytime I brake harder than ordinary. Really can't put my finger on whats the problem though, too low fuel pressure or vacuum hoses? When dropping in the car for repairs i'll just ask hows the vacuum hoses. If it's all good the only thing else to do is get a fuel regulator IF it can work on the car. If it can't then hoho, looks like I have to be hella smooth in braking.


Hmm and besides that rant I had yesterday I sort of settled it. I finally let a lot of things out of my chest but pffft, really after so many years of not chasing a girl I sound so odd on the phone. Blanking out and choking for no reason, guess thats something I have to overcome sooner or later as well haha. I slept very well yesterday after venting out everything to well... the girl I really trust. Funny though how life works. There was a time where I had broken trust among friends and I was the one apologizing, but now since the situation is reversed it is very safe to say that now I know how painful it is to lose faith in someone. Especially trust. And over a girl. This is really the biggest slap of reality I have had this 2013. Girls will always be prioritized over guys when you're older. It's not easy to start a conversation anymore when you just feel reserved all the time, having that doubt always in your mind. Too bad I can't rewind the clock and change myself, if I know the pain I probably would have thought twice.

Also I again uh... started smoking. Why? See I have this problem with myself. I can lie to humans, but I cannot lie to myself. A lot of people can lie to others, but those that can lie to themselves I don't know how they do that. While driving today I just realized that i've stopped not because I SINCERELY 150% want to stop. No it's because i'm just stooping to other to stop because they say its bad. Yes, it is bad, but for me I don't want to be that guy that relies on peoples opinions to change. I want to learn to stop it myself. I want to fall in love with a girl sincerely, I want to choose the color of my car just because I can, and not do things just because people tell me to do so.

Granted, I still have that attitude now. Mike & Dan sort of made me realize it even more, amplify my awareness. They asked me, why do you still smoke? That was in regards to me not liking GRA, or having any interest in it. So this really made me slow down and think, yes, every decision you make in life, the clothes you wear, all of it is a matter of whether you want to like it or not. Where your standards are in life. Your whole life revolves around the decisions YOU make.


The friends I made, the holding on to the wagon, smoking, liking so many girls but not admitting I more-or-less loved a single one, it's all based on self decision. But when you're constantly bombarded by opinion and peer pressure you sort of learn to like what they like. Be it a vice or virtue it's up to you. In summary I still smoke because I enjoy it. I find it a very good social ice-breaker, but its at the cost of my health. It is also at the cost of a lot of good girls, oppurtunities and all, but I know that this stubborn attitude of mine will evaporate when my life starts. Like when I actually start getting older and having more freedom to choose what I want.

Why do I say that? I suppose that all this stubborness in me is because I know I want to quit. I sincerly do. But being young I find that my life is burdened not because of people around me, it is because of me. I want to grow up fast. I want to be matured, I want to be perfect, rich, have a flawless car, flawless grades, girlfriend, friends that do everything perfectly but damn. I have to wake up. Im 19. I make mistakes. People make mistakes. I laugh. I cry. Life isn't perfect. No doubt I SHOULDN'T throw away good virtues, but at the same time I shouldn't choke myself to death trying to be perfect endlessly, rome wasn't built in a day and likewise wisdom isn't gained from doing nothing. Honestly I know that besides my vice of smoking and the odd liking for fast, noisy, old, unreliable cars im not a demon. I'm not the funniest, most charming, handsomest, richest, but I know deep in my heart I wan't to do the right thing, and live the way God wants me to be. Perhaps my vice is because I admire so much of the gentlemen of the yesteryears that I too, pick it up. Suave, slick, but still smoking haha. Also secretly, not a lot of people know that I actually like being given orders, or direction. I never like doing things by myself because I tend to put to put things off. I just preffer listening to orders from someone and doing it. However though, I know when I fall in love, and I can actually get the girl seriously, i'd do whatever it takes to keep her forever. Now though I don't have that guarantee, a lot of things in life don't come with guarantees. Perhaps then when it is time for me to settle down, the fact that I smoke and she won't give up on me will be a sign that she's the one. Idk. People always give up on me that it's frustrating.


Even odder yet, at 5am I get a surprise chat from a friend, who I shall not name, but much older than me giving life advice and reassurance. Not a Christian either, but advice that is not far from what I know. Suddenly, I feel a lot better. A lot. more. better.



Christmas is odd this year. Both in a good and bad way, but oh well life goes on yeah? :)

Peeved. (Lots Of Vulgarity)

There is a saying, somewhere, that goes as such : "Don't stir up the hornets nest."


Today is one of those days where my 'hornets nest is shaken'.


SO ODDLY ENOUGH, just yesterday I made a post where I mentioned about i'm getting over stuff, been left out, etc etc. Today, I get a message telling me that SUDDENLY my blog is fucking famous and people are worried, or something.


Well fucking hell. After so long of silence people are worried. Worried for what? Whether they did the right thing? My happiness? I cannot express in words how annoyed I am. I should just move myself off overseas and go missing and see how many more people worry about me. WHY worry of a choice you made, when you very fucking well know how it ends. Seriously even idk why i'm pissed off. Maybe its because i'm so sick of dealing with this emotional childish problems that lie within me. Being around an older company of people who are actually so much more emotionally and financially settled makes me happy. I'm sick of people excluding me because i'm a mere fucking option. I've ALWAYS been a fucking option to people. I'm fucking sick of being that guy who has a very different mentality comparing to the masses. And the last whine i'm going to whine about is that i'm SO FUCKING SICK OF TRYING TO BE CONSIDERATE. Fucking getting stepped on and forgotten, only when a physical asset is needed to be borrowed or when someone wants to know how to make their car marginally faster they consider calling me out.


When I fucking want to stop thinking about stuff, that stuff just doesn't leave me alone doesn't it? Annoyance max. Ruined a perfect family dinner, ruined my mood, ruined my appetite, I hate my holidays. Fucking wish I had college work to do to take my mind off things and actually learn. I wish I had more unavoidable responsibilities. Full time job where I can earn my own salary to fund my own house and cars, to raise my own children with my own wife. Something I can call my own. Everything I have now is just on loan.

It Stings But....

It's not fun when your past constantly haunts you. Lingering on your shoulders, whispering in your ear reminding you of what you once were. How angry I once was. How indecisive I was. How I never deserve a lot of things I have in life. How I have missed so many oppurtunities in life.


But the good thing about that is there's always the present, and the future! Totes should be looking forward to the future with God as a guide, and not so much as my self intuition. Not like its helped much anyways. I know as long as I aim for what is good, what is wholesome and what is pleasing in Gods eyes I can't really go wrong. Or can I?


Been 2 weeks since that situation went down. I'm feeling much numb-er, a hint of annoyance, and still weeellll i'll admit it, I have hints of regrets lingering internally. But it should fade away sooner or later. Gotten a lot of things done so far this holiday, I have been already excluded from the usual yamchas, been excluded from holiday plans, its fun to see who actually misses my company and who doesn't at all.


I suppose I can get very dull after awhile. HA. Anyways had a chat with Aman today about his 4 door MK1 escort. He plans to S-C-R-A-P it which reaaaally got me getting all twitchy. The ford is still in pretty decent shape! Fast forwarding to the conclusion though, I cheekily asked him whether I can have the car for free. Like, literally.


Guess what? He agreed. FREE ESCORT BITCHES. But whether it actually happens that remains to be seen.

Sudden realization.

I think it's safe to say i'm reacting this way because of my traits in my attitude.


I'm just going to dub myself as a perfectionist. A perfectionist and an extremist. Never really thought much about my traits until recently.

I always stress myself to aim for perfection amongst the imperfect.

I cannot stand anything that is half-baked or just made for the sake of it, if there is no heart in the making process there is no point to it.

I dislike the mentality of people who have that 'biarlah' attitude.


All that inside of me has driven me to become bored of the things around me, it's as if nothing can really impress me anymore. A fast car is a fast car. A show car here locally is retarded. I compare everything to perfection which as good as a quality it is, it too can be a very rotten one when no space is given for people to grow into something better.


I have to tone it down, or at least keep it to myself. OR I could just move overseas to where people actually bother about things. Maybe, I don't know.

Ow.

Suddenly, i'm happy. Suddenly, i'm sad all over again.

I hate having emotions, from one high moment to an all time low I can roughly understand why people describe emotions as a roller-coaster. Sitting now behind this wooden desk I feel very uhm, mooooody.

But I was happy just now in the afternoon! Finally after Jesus returned from the heavens and the earth had finally ended in a fiery inferno I my dad woke me up to get the wagon fixed. Cutting things short its now lying in someones workshop, someone i've always trusted since high school. He & his dad is a blessing, they do wizardry in electronic repairs and the wonders in making simple tunes sound better.

After that the brake parts that we ordered at Kakimotor finally arrived, so we had that changed also. New EBC Greenstuff pads, new VTTR slotted & drilled discs and fresh brake fluid. As I was sitting there finishing my last cigarette in the pack I suddenly went to an all time low realizing that these things that i'm happy with are perishable materials.

Y'know how annoying it is for your brain to bring you up when you see something you like then realize that its not going to last forever? I got moody thinking about the past weekend again too, now that i've accepted reality, i'm unsure of how to act around them. I worry I will suddenly feel like a stranger again in the own church I grew up in.

So far i've calmed down a lot more over the last few days, still have that poor appetite/moody mood swings but falling asleep for me is the hardest. Don't get me wrong, I DO sleep peacefully, but to get there I have to keep replaying the scene in my head like a taunt. Pretty much why this blog is magically active again, its no surprise that i've always liked typing down my thoughts.

But still its not exactly fun to have constant repititions of something you don't want to repeat, repeating over and over and over in your head when you lay it down to rest. Well at least once I fall asleep I can sleep tight. Too tight perhaps.

Sleeping patterns have been very reversed, waking up in the late PM to blog out what I feel in the AM and then fall asleep around dawn. But if I have learned something from this is that communication is always the strongest if you want to keep somone close to you. That, and feelings, they have to reciprocate amongst 2. If it's 1 sided it's sad. Like me huehuehue. The last 2 is that all's fair in love and war, girls will always be more important than guys. Why?

I won't bother explaining. Sort of gave you the pieces of the puzzle, and its only 2 to get it complete. Really in the future I have to be more socialable around the people I like. Silly that it's almost a year where I have been in mass com and I cannot even tell that the girl I adore already admires someone else :(. And if I remember correctly, I have asked her whether there was anyone going after her. *SIGHS* What sort of answer was I expecting? It's as sensical as going up to anyone on the street and asking them for their deepest darkest desire, then hoping for a sincere answer.

But on the other side of the story I can hold a conversation with girls that I treat merely as friends. I really do hope I don't fall into self-condemnation but goodness, the amount of stupid I feel is way beyond 9000. And i'm not angry, or sad, i'm just so disappointed that I cannot rewind back the clock to try it again.

Now I have to wait and try to fix awkwardness with a girl who knows every single thing I admire about her and the guy who went after her then apologized.

I really cannot fathom the logic in that at all. How is apologizing supposed to help me? It's like buying a house that I just don't have enough resources to purchase or consider seriously at this point in time, then after buying it I get an apology. At least there are no secrets kept though. That is something I find admirable.

There are ups in this. At least, at least, I still managed to finally confess to a girl before my wedding day. I managed to feel how it's like to have plain stupid adoration towards someone. I managed to be head over heels with someone, yet not knowing about it. I managed to see the true colors of my friend without gettting him drunk or angry. You only know that you really really like someone when you get panic attacks when someone tells you she likes him. Coming from someone who never gets panic attacks this is... quite amazing. And at least I got my favorite lesson of all, reality. Reality that time doesn't wait for anyone, people will do things if you're slow and don't take oppurtunities. It's even better if you're busy. Taking that oppurtunity, from others is just so easy. How many things am I going to lose at the moment until I stop getting slaps of reality? I'm not pointing fingers, you can't call dibs on a human being, its just that it's extremely harsh to get reminded in this way.

I have to remember not to put so much faith and trust into people. Everybody has their own vice, but I fail to remember that once the oppurtunity for temptation takes hold its hell to pull out. I mean this words are coming from a smoker, i've tried quitting a while now. So far it's not working because I genuinely love tobacco, it's rich cultural background and how it came to be. With every puff I feel like i'm breathing history through my lungs, but its just a shitload of things that will kill me. As much as I know this I can never convince myself to stop. Likewise if an oppurtunity opens, who can resist making a beautiful girl laugh, to get her wrapped her around your little finger with her feelings, to just have that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling once again? It's hard. I do wan't all of that, but i've always been a 'later' person. Some people wan't it... well earlier than me I suppose. Were humans.

So no doubt if you don't try to make a move, you don't do anything about an oppurtunity, you too will be blogging here like me on regretting how you missed an oppurtunity. And no you can't point fingers, it doesn't work that way. You can't stop people from liking each other, thats just inhuman. If you love someone let them go. Love, like, if you're a human you don't be a tyrant.

I think i'll just end this with a verse that was on instagram. Yes, i'm sorry I don't pick my bible up enough :(.


Love is patient
Love is kind
Love it does not envy
Love it does not boast
Love it is not proud
Love it is not rude
Love it is not self-seeking
Love it is not easily angered
Love keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil
Love rejoices with the truth
Love always protects
Love always trusts
Love always hopes
Love always perseveres
Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Not exactly word for word correct, I did get it off my friends acc. But after reading this I just felt so much... calmer. It is a good few verses to remember though, someday I hope that I can have the time to read the bible to my wife & children like how my parents used to read it to me. As much as atheists say the bible is just a story book, for merely a story book they put in a lot of effort in its content.

Funny coincidence, the last time this happened was too when a new Disney show was launched that I liked. It's been twice now.

150th post, hurreh.

NOPE, no celebrations here if you're wondering.

I just decided to create another post so that the previous post has its own unique content, nothing mixed up like my feelings  to confuse whoever may be reading this. Hi reader, thanks for taking time to read my rants :3.

'Nyways okay. I have a lot of fears in me. Every now and then theres always that problem I encounter, I run out of intellectual people to chat with. No i'm not labelling myself as intellectual, but I do crave these sort of conversations every now and then, it's just weird for a 19 year old! A 19 year old asian kid should be driving a myvi with pirated wheels and not caring about a thing in the world. Maybe he should be taken, drinks every once in awhile and has a circle of friends who are likewise.



No, not me. My similarities end at being a 19 year old asian kid.



For starters I have a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor. I lost majority of my childish humor maybe 1 or 2 years ago, or even more, God knows. I can't remember much. I don't enjoy chasing every girl that gives me the oppurtunity to date her, I don't enjoy social drinking, or drinking at all, cause that tastes like shit. I worry all the time that i'll never find a wife who is Godly, yet interesting. I worry that with this mouth of mine I won't go anywhere locally because ALL I enjoy doing is talking not in chinese, but in english.


Sometimes I just feel like leaving Malaysia y'know. The kid inside of me always tries to tell me that the pasture is greener on the other side even though i've never actually been there, and my more mature side reminds me that no, those awesome videos you see of nice cars, most of them took a few years to build and their owners are well over 19.

Oh and speaking of cars, would you all believe that i'm starting to lose my interest in them? YES I have seen a lot of cars for a kid, driven a lot too, but not being financially able to support my hobby? Yeah no wonder i'm losing interest. Whatever i'm good at I never seem to have the resources to back it up.

I hope some day I find a place where I can fit in properly, have an audience that actually stimulates my mind and can rationally give me opinions, other than base it on mere feelings. And maybe too, I can flourish there along with my passion.

Yet here I am being a kid, getting panic attacks based on my feelings. Ironical huh? At least now I really really know who I sincerely like deep down. If I didn't, I wouldn't have reacted this badly.

I'm really unsure of this.

Prayers can be very scary.

Well okay, not the prayer, but the way you get replied. Or if you don't.

Its been the second night now, and okay I have to admit having a chat did make a lot of things much better than yesterday. I still haven't convinced/forgiven myself over my slowness, but still, I can't sleep.

Always I have this undying fear that just can't seem to be extinguished by anyone, I always worry, if the world is going to waste why should I bother being good? Why should I keep faith? Am I worthy of having anything in my life?

So I decided to say a quiet prayer about 10 minutes ago, I just asked God "whats the point of me?". I got an answer immediately; "Proverbs 15:28" . For real God?

"Kay lah whats the harm, i'm already awake aren't I?"

As I flip through my bible app (its too dark to use my real bible) the verse says: " The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil. "

I'm still puzzled by this verse, about the heart of the righteous weighs its answers and all. Perhaps it is a hint I am doing the right thing because i've witheld my tongue a few times? Or perhaps it's a reminder that the world just says as they please? Or perhaps it is an indication that I shall need to be more of a controlled person?

Really unsure of how to take this verse in. Reading online commentaries have not really helped much with me fitting it in with my life, I understand the verse as it is, it's not the most complicated one out there.

I'll just pray on that later once i'm done with this post.





Glad though that I managed to speak to her. It feels like a huge relief off my chest. I still have yet to figure out on how to erase her face out of my memory every 5-10 seconds or so. It's horrible isn't it? Always being haunted by something you want, but can't have. If this is bad I feel so horrible for those who had a lasting relationship and had to break up. It must feel like 500000000000000 times worse.

Though I think i'd like to give her a new years prezzie or something. Since i've already failed the first time, i'm not going to miss this chance again.

Such An Irony.

(WARNING THIS IS EMOTIONAL DRIVEL, STAY FAR AWAY IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ EMOTIONAL DRIVEL)

It's so ironic living some times.

Planning for the future doesn't work without any action now. A concept that i've always had in my mind but do I ever put it into action? Oh no. I just assure myself that circumstances dont change so easily. Don't impose on others. Wait till i'm better off.

This has been the second time this has happened, but oh God, it's just so painful to bear. It feels like a nightmare. I finally understand and relate to all those shows where people live in regret of not saying the things they wan't to say early. Stupid thing is though, this has happened twice now. At least the first the chances were low but the second...

The second time is just stupid. So stupid. I keep telling myself to give people space for studies. Give time for her to heal from her ex. I'll bring her out on dates perhaps during my holidays when i'm free. Maybe I can finally admit to her properly.

But I forget that i'm not the only guy out there and just like sucker punch, I get emotionally hit again suddenly.




OKAY i'm sorry if the post above didn't make much sense, in summary, it's been 2 times now I have witheld my tongue from admitting that I love like someone. It's 2 times i've been afraid. 2 times my judgement is just downright shit. If only I started doing things earlier there might have been progress. Even if nothing were to happen at least I tried. But for fucks sake, my procrastination is going to be the end of me. It's not just bad that I procrastinate with my work, passing it up just in the nick of time but now I make things oh-so awkward between a good friend and her because I procrastinate in making a move even hints were made. I feel beyond fucking stupid.

And God knows how it developed so fast. I cannot brain/fathom/imagine/compete. Cuz i'm smooth as sand when it comes to someone I really. really. adore.

Throwing up water & dinner isn't a fun experience either. At least I made a discovery that I suffer when adrenaline hits, the last time I remember throwing up was from overeating. Likeee 2 packets of noodles and 3/4 quarter loaf of bread, with nutella. Today I managed to survivie on 3 pots of tea, a coke, and... thats it. I threw my dinner/lunch up so I guess nothing got digested.

I hate trying to be an angel to everyone, whenever I do something nobody cares, when I screw up everyone remembers it for life. I hate driving extremely slow. I hate to behave on how society dictates me. I've lost so much of my own personality i'm not even sure of who I am anymore. My life isn't going anywhere, I lost an inspiration today (is this considered as an idol though?), my passion is too dangerous, expensive, that and majority of people locally only share partially of it. I can't do anything valuable to the society.

At this point in time I only have God with me. And of course my family and closer friends, that is if they want to help. Only God knows whether they do but it is harsh to accept reality. Better the bitter truth than a sweet lie they say. But bitter is never tasty, for the first time in months/years i've finally broken down again. Going for a drive alone with worship songs can really make you teary. And a gargling mess of tears in the driver seat. Well I always have been emotive haven't I? I mean c'mon I still have a blog :(.

Though i'm not pointing fingers at anyone but myself. I feel like such a loser for not trying at all. All I ever do is think about other people these days, I don't think for myself anymore. How can I please my parents, my friends, my teachers, all except God. FRANKLY this pattern should be reversed. That was at least how I was last time, I didn't care too much about everything except God, and now look at me.

The wake up slap is so harsh I lost the upper hand of winning the girl that always makes me smile stupid. The most consistent girl that could make me laugh.

Fuck. I'm going to miss her sarcasm so bad that i'm tearing again.

I'm going to miss the way she just makes my day by saying hi.
I'm going to miss having a proper conversation.
I'm going to miss all the small details that just make me happy.



I really am such a child :(.

Really really.

Perhaps too much. 

It's Been Awhile.

My my. Where to begin with?

It's been a very very long time since i've blogged. Truth be told I think i've changed, but i'll let God be the judge of that. Physically i've decided to keep short hair! Other than that i'm getting older day by day.

No surprise huh?

Mmm and there's my LWW. (LittleWhiteWagon) Poor guy has been pretty abused ever since i've recieved my drivers license. Thinking about that i'm already a full-blown road legal driver as I took off my 'P' sticker yesterday while washing the wagon.

Any updates of it? Yeah sure. Of course there will be change.

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING on the car is starting to fall apart. The central locking is tempremental, my windows work as they please, I have no horn, the suspension is lopsided, brake pads are worn. rear drums are on the way out... and its saving grace was once the engine.

But nooooo. Not anymore. It's recently started to start BLOWING OUT OIL. It puts any secret agents smoke screens to shame. And if you think i'm kidding, I lose 3 litres of oil (around 3 quarts for you 'mericans) in 4-5 weeks?

Anyways being the almost-annual update, the wagon is (hopefully) going to receive SR20 power. SR20DET power, if all goes according to plan. Bigger wheels, brakes, the works one at a time. Funny how machines can be fixed with a thick wallet in comparision to life.

I haven't been too happy with myself. It seems that growing up is really not as fun as I expected it to be. I'm still on cigarettes, though, in honor to a bargain with my parents for the engine, I will be quitting soon. That and my friendship with people seems shaky all the time. Got an earful from my mum today. She said that she always hears that I get into conflicts with my friends, and that my attitude is at part.

THANKFULLY, I wasn't in the mood to argue. Just took it in like most of girls people would, but it did get me thinking. Why am I so stubborn over my views of perfection? Am I some sort of biased oppressive tyrant that rules with an iron fist just to get his way? Sadly in my own understanding, thats how people take me as. Generally I can NEVER seem to give in to other peoples point of views, those of the same age and people who are younger. Maybe it's because I hang around so many older people I start thinking like them. Maybe it was my upbringing to try to be straight as an arrow and chase perfection. Maybe i'm just flawed? Only God knows. At most I can give is a sincere sorry as I never mean to have that sort of image. I just cannot be outright stupid anymore. I can't laugh at stupid things anymore, my sense of humor is dead.

This brings me to question myself daily of where I would fit in amongst people daily. It's sickening to hear pastors and all from young predicting i'll be somewhere someday. I mean okay my faith is starting to grow in God but IF this is really training to be a better person, i've got to say the process that has to happen, it's pretty bitter. Your thinking will be altered according to a whole new level, in ways so different you just connect the dots differently from people around.

But then again if I were to connect the dots on a drawing book in any other manner than it was designed with society gives a what-the-fuck-Ian, then I go back to the drawing board questioning myself. Maybe God too at times.

To say the least, it bothers me pretty often why I can't be more productive in the society. Though my parents always remind me that I need a lot of refinement and who am I to argue, I know that personally myself.

Hobbywise you'd probably gasp in horror after reading this. I don't exactly get very fascinated by cars anymore. *GASP* Well okay I still do, but I just realized I preffer classic/vintage/antiques more than modified cars. It just oozes a certain aura of craftsmanship about it? And this kind of scares me. The whole point in me being well, me, is that i'm a car crazy person.

However profession-wise I seem to be at least having a direction somewhere. So far i've taken up public relations and broadcasting in college as my majors, pretty fast how time flies huh? It's almost a year i've been in college, and 2 sems are over. College too has been a blessing. My classmates, the majority of them are extremely hardworking, and determined to a certain extent. They aim for something in their life. What exactly I don't know precisely, but it is comforting to be able to have people that actually give a fuck (Sorry it is my blog after all.) about passing college, and not just by marks, but by actually learning.

As time goes by I start to understand that learning and passing exams has very little to do with each other. Any cheater can pass an exam by copying, but only a few will actually grasp the whole idea and put it to use. I pray hard that i'll be in the latter. God knows how much I take pride in knowledge. On earth there really isn't much that can rival knowledge in its life value, not so much in physical form.

Wrapping this up I'm not going to lie, I feel very sick of being single sometimes. Not just in the sense where I feel like I want a girlfriend, but I feel very down because the only aim in my life is to... work hard for myself. Me. Mua. I. It gets boring when physically you have everything you need, and certain things you want. The challenges in my life are few, trully I am very very blessed. But I really wish that I was older, maybe with a stable job that I enjoy, and it's my time to hunt for a wife.

Pretty sure I don't get a lot of readers here so i'm just going to admit this here, I cannot wait to be taken full time. I really just cannot see the point in going after girls in the short run anymore. This is how much logic seems to have overcome my thinking, that and emotion. Yes, yes I still do get my crushes from time to time. Yes I still adore the girl that I used to in high school, but all that will forever stay as what-ifs and thats about it. For now. I can't predict the future can I?

Speaking of crushes recently I went to see Wreck-it Ralph with my college mate. After watching it, I now have a new dream. Not just I would like a daughter, I would like her to be like Venellope Von Schweetz! Not going to spoil the show but if you're highly emotive as I am, you'll be laughing and crying in seperate occasions.

I hope my wife will be a fan of Disney, or at least hopefully cartoons. If she isn't meh :(.