It Stings But....

It's not fun when your past constantly haunts you. Lingering on your shoulders, whispering in your ear reminding you of what you once were. How angry I once was. How indecisive I was. How I never deserve a lot of things I have in life. How I have missed so many oppurtunities in life.


But the good thing about that is there's always the present, and the future! Totes should be looking forward to the future with God as a guide, and not so much as my self intuition. Not like its helped much anyways. I know as long as I aim for what is good, what is wholesome and what is pleasing in Gods eyes I can't really go wrong. Or can I?


Been 2 weeks since that situation went down. I'm feeling much numb-er, a hint of annoyance, and still weeellll i'll admit it, I have hints of regrets lingering internally. But it should fade away sooner or later. Gotten a lot of things done so far this holiday, I have been already excluded from the usual yamchas, been excluded from holiday plans, its fun to see who actually misses my company and who doesn't at all.


I suppose I can get very dull after awhile. HA. Anyways had a chat with Aman today about his 4 door MK1 escort. He plans to S-C-R-A-P it which reaaaally got me getting all twitchy. The ford is still in pretty decent shape! Fast forwarding to the conclusion though, I cheekily asked him whether I can have the car for free. Like, literally.


Guess what? He agreed. FREE ESCORT BITCHES. But whether it actually happens that remains to be seen.

Sudden realization.

I think it's safe to say i'm reacting this way because of my traits in my attitude.


I'm just going to dub myself as a perfectionist. A perfectionist and an extremist. Never really thought much about my traits until recently.

I always stress myself to aim for perfection amongst the imperfect.

I cannot stand anything that is half-baked or just made for the sake of it, if there is no heart in the making process there is no point to it.

I dislike the mentality of people who have that 'biarlah' attitude.


All that inside of me has driven me to become bored of the things around me, it's as if nothing can really impress me anymore. A fast car is a fast car. A show car here locally is retarded. I compare everything to perfection which as good as a quality it is, it too can be a very rotten one when no space is given for people to grow into something better.


I have to tone it down, or at least keep it to myself. OR I could just move overseas to where people actually bother about things. Maybe, I don't know.

Ow.

Suddenly, i'm happy. Suddenly, i'm sad all over again.

I hate having emotions, from one high moment to an all time low I can roughly understand why people describe emotions as a roller-coaster. Sitting now behind this wooden desk I feel very uhm, mooooody.

But I was happy just now in the afternoon! Finally after Jesus returned from the heavens and the earth had finally ended in a fiery inferno I my dad woke me up to get the wagon fixed. Cutting things short its now lying in someones workshop, someone i've always trusted since high school. He & his dad is a blessing, they do wizardry in electronic repairs and the wonders in making simple tunes sound better.

After that the brake parts that we ordered at Kakimotor finally arrived, so we had that changed also. New EBC Greenstuff pads, new VTTR slotted & drilled discs and fresh brake fluid. As I was sitting there finishing my last cigarette in the pack I suddenly went to an all time low realizing that these things that i'm happy with are perishable materials.

Y'know how annoying it is for your brain to bring you up when you see something you like then realize that its not going to last forever? I got moody thinking about the past weekend again too, now that i've accepted reality, i'm unsure of how to act around them. I worry I will suddenly feel like a stranger again in the own church I grew up in.

So far i've calmed down a lot more over the last few days, still have that poor appetite/moody mood swings but falling asleep for me is the hardest. Don't get me wrong, I DO sleep peacefully, but to get there I have to keep replaying the scene in my head like a taunt. Pretty much why this blog is magically active again, its no surprise that i've always liked typing down my thoughts.

But still its not exactly fun to have constant repititions of something you don't want to repeat, repeating over and over and over in your head when you lay it down to rest. Well at least once I fall asleep I can sleep tight. Too tight perhaps.

Sleeping patterns have been very reversed, waking up in the late PM to blog out what I feel in the AM and then fall asleep around dawn. But if I have learned something from this is that communication is always the strongest if you want to keep somone close to you. That, and feelings, they have to reciprocate amongst 2. If it's 1 sided it's sad. Like me huehuehue. The last 2 is that all's fair in love and war, girls will always be more important than guys. Why?

I won't bother explaining. Sort of gave you the pieces of the puzzle, and its only 2 to get it complete. Really in the future I have to be more socialable around the people I like. Silly that it's almost a year where I have been in mass com and I cannot even tell that the girl I adore already admires someone else :(. And if I remember correctly, I have asked her whether there was anyone going after her. *SIGHS* What sort of answer was I expecting? It's as sensical as going up to anyone on the street and asking them for their deepest darkest desire, then hoping for a sincere answer.

But on the other side of the story I can hold a conversation with girls that I treat merely as friends. I really do hope I don't fall into self-condemnation but goodness, the amount of stupid I feel is way beyond 9000. And i'm not angry, or sad, i'm just so disappointed that I cannot rewind back the clock to try it again.

Now I have to wait and try to fix awkwardness with a girl who knows every single thing I admire about her and the guy who went after her then apologized.

I really cannot fathom the logic in that at all. How is apologizing supposed to help me? It's like buying a house that I just don't have enough resources to purchase or consider seriously at this point in time, then after buying it I get an apology. At least there are no secrets kept though. That is something I find admirable.

There are ups in this. At least, at least, I still managed to finally confess to a girl before my wedding day. I managed to feel how it's like to have plain stupid adoration towards someone. I managed to be head over heels with someone, yet not knowing about it. I managed to see the true colors of my friend without gettting him drunk or angry. You only know that you really really like someone when you get panic attacks when someone tells you she likes him. Coming from someone who never gets panic attacks this is... quite amazing. And at least I got my favorite lesson of all, reality. Reality that time doesn't wait for anyone, people will do things if you're slow and don't take oppurtunities. It's even better if you're busy. Taking that oppurtunity, from others is just so easy. How many things am I going to lose at the moment until I stop getting slaps of reality? I'm not pointing fingers, you can't call dibs on a human being, its just that it's extremely harsh to get reminded in this way.

I have to remember not to put so much faith and trust into people. Everybody has their own vice, but I fail to remember that once the oppurtunity for temptation takes hold its hell to pull out. I mean this words are coming from a smoker, i've tried quitting a while now. So far it's not working because I genuinely love tobacco, it's rich cultural background and how it came to be. With every puff I feel like i'm breathing history through my lungs, but its just a shitload of things that will kill me. As much as I know this I can never convince myself to stop. Likewise if an oppurtunity opens, who can resist making a beautiful girl laugh, to get her wrapped her around your little finger with her feelings, to just have that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling once again? It's hard. I do wan't all of that, but i've always been a 'later' person. Some people wan't it... well earlier than me I suppose. Were humans.

So no doubt if you don't try to make a move, you don't do anything about an oppurtunity, you too will be blogging here like me on regretting how you missed an oppurtunity. And no you can't point fingers, it doesn't work that way. You can't stop people from liking each other, thats just inhuman. If you love someone let them go. Love, like, if you're a human you don't be a tyrant.

I think i'll just end this with a verse that was on instagram. Yes, i'm sorry I don't pick my bible up enough :(.


Love is patient
Love is kind
Love it does not envy
Love it does not boast
Love it is not proud
Love it is not rude
Love it is not self-seeking
Love it is not easily angered
Love keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil
Love rejoices with the truth
Love always protects
Love always trusts
Love always hopes
Love always perseveres
Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Not exactly word for word correct, I did get it off my friends acc. But after reading this I just felt so much... calmer. It is a good few verses to remember though, someday I hope that I can have the time to read the bible to my wife & children like how my parents used to read it to me. As much as atheists say the bible is just a story book, for merely a story book they put in a lot of effort in its content.

Funny coincidence, the last time this happened was too when a new Disney show was launched that I liked. It's been twice now.

150th post, hurreh.

NOPE, no celebrations here if you're wondering.

I just decided to create another post so that the previous post has its own unique content, nothing mixed up like my feelings  to confuse whoever may be reading this. Hi reader, thanks for taking time to read my rants :3.

'Nyways okay. I have a lot of fears in me. Every now and then theres always that problem I encounter, I run out of intellectual people to chat with. No i'm not labelling myself as intellectual, but I do crave these sort of conversations every now and then, it's just weird for a 19 year old! A 19 year old asian kid should be driving a myvi with pirated wheels and not caring about a thing in the world. Maybe he should be taken, drinks every once in awhile and has a circle of friends who are likewise.



No, not me. My similarities end at being a 19 year old asian kid.



For starters I have a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor. I lost majority of my childish humor maybe 1 or 2 years ago, or even more, God knows. I can't remember much. I don't enjoy chasing every girl that gives me the oppurtunity to date her, I don't enjoy social drinking, or drinking at all, cause that tastes like shit. I worry all the time that i'll never find a wife who is Godly, yet interesting. I worry that with this mouth of mine I won't go anywhere locally because ALL I enjoy doing is talking not in chinese, but in english.


Sometimes I just feel like leaving Malaysia y'know. The kid inside of me always tries to tell me that the pasture is greener on the other side even though i've never actually been there, and my more mature side reminds me that no, those awesome videos you see of nice cars, most of them took a few years to build and their owners are well over 19.

Oh and speaking of cars, would you all believe that i'm starting to lose my interest in them? YES I have seen a lot of cars for a kid, driven a lot too, but not being financially able to support my hobby? Yeah no wonder i'm losing interest. Whatever i'm good at I never seem to have the resources to back it up.

I hope some day I find a place where I can fit in properly, have an audience that actually stimulates my mind and can rationally give me opinions, other than base it on mere feelings. And maybe too, I can flourish there along with my passion.

Yet here I am being a kid, getting panic attacks based on my feelings. Ironical huh? At least now I really really know who I sincerely like deep down. If I didn't, I wouldn't have reacted this badly.

I'm really unsure of this.

Prayers can be very scary.

Well okay, not the prayer, but the way you get replied. Or if you don't.

Its been the second night now, and okay I have to admit having a chat did make a lot of things much better than yesterday. I still haven't convinced/forgiven myself over my slowness, but still, I can't sleep.

Always I have this undying fear that just can't seem to be extinguished by anyone, I always worry, if the world is going to waste why should I bother being good? Why should I keep faith? Am I worthy of having anything in my life?

So I decided to say a quiet prayer about 10 minutes ago, I just asked God "whats the point of me?". I got an answer immediately; "Proverbs 15:28" . For real God?

"Kay lah whats the harm, i'm already awake aren't I?"

As I flip through my bible app (its too dark to use my real bible) the verse says: " The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil. "

I'm still puzzled by this verse, about the heart of the righteous weighs its answers and all. Perhaps it is a hint I am doing the right thing because i've witheld my tongue a few times? Or perhaps it's a reminder that the world just says as they please? Or perhaps it is an indication that I shall need to be more of a controlled person?

Really unsure of how to take this verse in. Reading online commentaries have not really helped much with me fitting it in with my life, I understand the verse as it is, it's not the most complicated one out there.

I'll just pray on that later once i'm done with this post.





Glad though that I managed to speak to her. It feels like a huge relief off my chest. I still have yet to figure out on how to erase her face out of my memory every 5-10 seconds or so. It's horrible isn't it? Always being haunted by something you want, but can't have. If this is bad I feel so horrible for those who had a lasting relationship and had to break up. It must feel like 500000000000000 times worse.

Though I think i'd like to give her a new years prezzie or something. Since i've already failed the first time, i'm not going to miss this chance again.

Such An Irony.

(WARNING THIS IS EMOTIONAL DRIVEL, STAY FAR AWAY IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ EMOTIONAL DRIVEL)

It's so ironic living some times.

Planning for the future doesn't work without any action now. A concept that i've always had in my mind but do I ever put it into action? Oh no. I just assure myself that circumstances dont change so easily. Don't impose on others. Wait till i'm better off.

This has been the second time this has happened, but oh God, it's just so painful to bear. It feels like a nightmare. I finally understand and relate to all those shows where people live in regret of not saying the things they wan't to say early. Stupid thing is though, this has happened twice now. At least the first the chances were low but the second...

The second time is just stupid. So stupid. I keep telling myself to give people space for studies. Give time for her to heal from her ex. I'll bring her out on dates perhaps during my holidays when i'm free. Maybe I can finally admit to her properly.

But I forget that i'm not the only guy out there and just like sucker punch, I get emotionally hit again suddenly.




OKAY i'm sorry if the post above didn't make much sense, in summary, it's been 2 times now I have witheld my tongue from admitting that I love like someone. It's 2 times i've been afraid. 2 times my judgement is just downright shit. If only I started doing things earlier there might have been progress. Even if nothing were to happen at least I tried. But for fucks sake, my procrastination is going to be the end of me. It's not just bad that I procrastinate with my work, passing it up just in the nick of time but now I make things oh-so awkward between a good friend and her because I procrastinate in making a move even hints were made. I feel beyond fucking stupid.

And God knows how it developed so fast. I cannot brain/fathom/imagine/compete. Cuz i'm smooth as sand when it comes to someone I really. really. adore.

Throwing up water & dinner isn't a fun experience either. At least I made a discovery that I suffer when adrenaline hits, the last time I remember throwing up was from overeating. Likeee 2 packets of noodles and 3/4 quarter loaf of bread, with nutella. Today I managed to survivie on 3 pots of tea, a coke, and... thats it. I threw my dinner/lunch up so I guess nothing got digested.

I hate trying to be an angel to everyone, whenever I do something nobody cares, when I screw up everyone remembers it for life. I hate driving extremely slow. I hate to behave on how society dictates me. I've lost so much of my own personality i'm not even sure of who I am anymore. My life isn't going anywhere, I lost an inspiration today (is this considered as an idol though?), my passion is too dangerous, expensive, that and majority of people locally only share partially of it. I can't do anything valuable to the society.

At this point in time I only have God with me. And of course my family and closer friends, that is if they want to help. Only God knows whether they do but it is harsh to accept reality. Better the bitter truth than a sweet lie they say. But bitter is never tasty, for the first time in months/years i've finally broken down again. Going for a drive alone with worship songs can really make you teary. And a gargling mess of tears in the driver seat. Well I always have been emotive haven't I? I mean c'mon I still have a blog :(.

Though i'm not pointing fingers at anyone but myself. I feel like such a loser for not trying at all. All I ever do is think about other people these days, I don't think for myself anymore. How can I please my parents, my friends, my teachers, all except God. FRANKLY this pattern should be reversed. That was at least how I was last time, I didn't care too much about everything except God, and now look at me.

The wake up slap is so harsh I lost the upper hand of winning the girl that always makes me smile stupid. The most consistent girl that could make me laugh.

Fuck. I'm going to miss her sarcasm so bad that i'm tearing again.

I'm going to miss the way she just makes my day by saying hi.
I'm going to miss having a proper conversation.
I'm going to miss all the small details that just make me happy.



I really am such a child :(.

Really really.

Perhaps too much. 

It's Been Awhile.

My my. Where to begin with?

It's been a very very long time since i've blogged. Truth be told I think i've changed, but i'll let God be the judge of that. Physically i've decided to keep short hair! Other than that i'm getting older day by day.

No surprise huh?

Mmm and there's my LWW. (LittleWhiteWagon) Poor guy has been pretty abused ever since i've recieved my drivers license. Thinking about that i'm already a full-blown road legal driver as I took off my 'P' sticker yesterday while washing the wagon.

Any updates of it? Yeah sure. Of course there will be change.

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING on the car is starting to fall apart. The central locking is tempremental, my windows work as they please, I have no horn, the suspension is lopsided, brake pads are worn. rear drums are on the way out... and its saving grace was once the engine.

But nooooo. Not anymore. It's recently started to start BLOWING OUT OIL. It puts any secret agents smoke screens to shame. And if you think i'm kidding, I lose 3 litres of oil (around 3 quarts for you 'mericans) in 4-5 weeks?

Anyways being the almost-annual update, the wagon is (hopefully) going to receive SR20 power. SR20DET power, if all goes according to plan. Bigger wheels, brakes, the works one at a time. Funny how machines can be fixed with a thick wallet in comparision to life.

I haven't been too happy with myself. It seems that growing up is really not as fun as I expected it to be. I'm still on cigarettes, though, in honor to a bargain with my parents for the engine, I will be quitting soon. That and my friendship with people seems shaky all the time. Got an earful from my mum today. She said that she always hears that I get into conflicts with my friends, and that my attitude is at part.

THANKFULLY, I wasn't in the mood to argue. Just took it in like most of girls people would, but it did get me thinking. Why am I so stubborn over my views of perfection? Am I some sort of biased oppressive tyrant that rules with an iron fist just to get his way? Sadly in my own understanding, thats how people take me as. Generally I can NEVER seem to give in to other peoples point of views, those of the same age and people who are younger. Maybe it's because I hang around so many older people I start thinking like them. Maybe it was my upbringing to try to be straight as an arrow and chase perfection. Maybe i'm just flawed? Only God knows. At most I can give is a sincere sorry as I never mean to have that sort of image. I just cannot be outright stupid anymore. I can't laugh at stupid things anymore, my sense of humor is dead.

This brings me to question myself daily of where I would fit in amongst people daily. It's sickening to hear pastors and all from young predicting i'll be somewhere someday. I mean okay my faith is starting to grow in God but IF this is really training to be a better person, i've got to say the process that has to happen, it's pretty bitter. Your thinking will be altered according to a whole new level, in ways so different you just connect the dots differently from people around.

But then again if I were to connect the dots on a drawing book in any other manner than it was designed with society gives a what-the-fuck-Ian, then I go back to the drawing board questioning myself. Maybe God too at times.

To say the least, it bothers me pretty often why I can't be more productive in the society. Though my parents always remind me that I need a lot of refinement and who am I to argue, I know that personally myself.

Hobbywise you'd probably gasp in horror after reading this. I don't exactly get very fascinated by cars anymore. *GASP* Well okay I still do, but I just realized I preffer classic/vintage/antiques more than modified cars. It just oozes a certain aura of craftsmanship about it? And this kind of scares me. The whole point in me being well, me, is that i'm a car crazy person.

However profession-wise I seem to be at least having a direction somewhere. So far i've taken up public relations and broadcasting in college as my majors, pretty fast how time flies huh? It's almost a year i've been in college, and 2 sems are over. College too has been a blessing. My classmates, the majority of them are extremely hardworking, and determined to a certain extent. They aim for something in their life. What exactly I don't know precisely, but it is comforting to be able to have people that actually give a fuck (Sorry it is my blog after all.) about passing college, and not just by marks, but by actually learning.

As time goes by I start to understand that learning and passing exams has very little to do with each other. Any cheater can pass an exam by copying, but only a few will actually grasp the whole idea and put it to use. I pray hard that i'll be in the latter. God knows how much I take pride in knowledge. On earth there really isn't much that can rival knowledge in its life value, not so much in physical form.

Wrapping this up I'm not going to lie, I feel very sick of being single sometimes. Not just in the sense where I feel like I want a girlfriend, but I feel very down because the only aim in my life is to... work hard for myself. Me. Mua. I. It gets boring when physically you have everything you need, and certain things you want. The challenges in my life are few, trully I am very very blessed. But I really wish that I was older, maybe with a stable job that I enjoy, and it's my time to hunt for a wife.

Pretty sure I don't get a lot of readers here so i'm just going to admit this here, I cannot wait to be taken full time. I really just cannot see the point in going after girls in the short run anymore. This is how much logic seems to have overcome my thinking, that and emotion. Yes, yes I still do get my crushes from time to time. Yes I still adore the girl that I used to in high school, but all that will forever stay as what-ifs and thats about it. For now. I can't predict the future can I?

Speaking of crushes recently I went to see Wreck-it Ralph with my college mate. After watching it, I now have a new dream. Not just I would like a daughter, I would like her to be like Venellope Von Schweetz! Not going to spoil the show but if you're highly emotive as I am, you'll be laughing and crying in seperate occasions.

I hope my wife will be a fan of Disney, or at least hopefully cartoons. If she isn't meh :(.