Boxxing.

It's boxing day isn't it? Haha for me, its just another random day passing through, well, at least I thought so until this evening.

Like seriously if the previous yamcha was refreshing, todays one was beyond refreshing. This is the sort of yamcha I enjoy. Anyways okay its quite queer that these days i've been called out by my later friends. Think 25+ of age haha, anyways this guy used to come to church in the same branch as me but is now in Subang so I haven't seen him in ages.

So okay I headed out with him today for supper, he hadn't eaten so we went to Williams about 11pm. See before I continue on this post i'll give you an idea of how his personality is in one word. Confident. Like really out of all the humans i've met he's one of those few where he doesn't really spare his words in where he thinks he is right.

It's not exactly rocket science to see why I enjoy chats with him every now and then, he's that sort of human that can just have a clean long debate with tons of topics to bring up. Mentally stimulating. So somehow again (its like a pattern has started, freaky haha) the topic of tonight was well, advice! Since he's older 5 years than me, scratch that, 6 we just had started on a chat of what is worrying us and whats new with us.

The content of our conversation varied from girl problems to work, to the society and the mentality of people & girls. What he said is that for one, being young and dating will never work out. Well he said you can go try, but you'll probably end up failing just like 99% of people that optimistically jump into one at a young age. So in return I asked him, how do you know?

Haha then here's where the fun part started. He being the usual confident guy says that girls from 19-22, only then they start growing up. How sure he is i'm not sure but hey, I listen okay! So he was saying that not just physically they change, but why mentally they change is usually due to exposure to work. He has done various jobs with various sexes, so okay la why debate on the accuracy. I myself have never held a proper job. He says that people when they work, then only they know how it is like to provide food on the table, the struggle of it and the responsibilities that will be burdened on you. Not in the sense where you work part-time as a waiter or scooping ice-cream, but think of working in a office where if you mess up good, your company's progress is slowed down due to you. That sort of depth.

So only then after going through that kind of work after awhile people (both guys and girls) start only then looking for a criteria, that quality in a person of hardworkingness and resoponsibility. I sort of understoon where he was going at. Like being in college I don't have to work for my fees, work for the maintainance of my car, work for my clothes, work for my food, it is all provided by my dads savings. So I too have NOT felt the pinch of keeping something I earnt.

However he also assured me that I shouldn't overthink the future. People grow up, even he says that when I get to around... 23 onwards people that have a lot of 'fun' will 'die' off and start paying for their lack of better decisions. Well okay la not in that sort of tone, but he said that people who are 'nice' and 'fun' all the time doesn't necessarily mean they're useful. Usually the people that work the lowest in the company have that attitude...... I suppose it's due to their so lackluster and easy going attitude that they can't push anything to be done. That was also told by another older friend, who is 28 who works in the entertainment business. He says that generally these sort of people are only good at running away or pointing fingers at others when they get criticized for being lazy. Hearing things like these from people who have actually stable jobs and money enough to spend on themselves to enjoy, it REALLY cheers me up.  I ended up leaving Williams at 3.40am due to chatting non-stop, the only reason why we stopped was because the place was closing up.

Granted though that doesn't mean I can be a prick and tell everyone to grow up. BOTH of them told me, why are you giving people free help when they don't want it? So I suppose the softness in my characther is there. I don't want my friends failing or making any bad choices, but I don't own them. I don't own anyone. Tough, but I really cannot bear to see things like this happen.

Anyways i'll leave this emo post behind! I'm very happy that now i've got people to chat with about jobs, I can get sound advice as well. So far i've collected a few... first and foremost? The most cliche'd advice ever in the history of mankind: STUDY. But don't just cheat through exams! UNDERSTAND what you learn, when you do so you can apply it into the field that you do. Why this is always repeated because what they said it's simple. You can learn by a man teaching you in an airconditioned room with you lazing around, all you have to do is listen and take notes. You can learn that way, or F**K up in reality and learn the hard way. You waste time and resources. So... okay noted. I'm enjoying college anyways.

Secondly would be don't hang onto people. What does that mean? Okay there are so many people in the world, they form groups called cliques. Everyone has their place, but when someone gets so comfortable in one, even though they may not be positive, if you wan't to leave that social group it's not easy. Why? Humans are creature of habit. Once you are comfortable in a position that doesn't SEEM like it's going to bother you at all you don't bother changing. I learned this in psychology class though, sadly I can't remember what it is. The experiment is where you put a frog in warm water and slowly heat the water up. The frog being comfortable gets drowsy and eventually falls asleep and then gets cooked. Thankfully, human beings all get the chance to get out of that warm water. I know I don't want to stay in there. I have to learn if people don't want me around, they don't want me around simple as that. If i'm not valued, don't try to be. Harsh stuff but hey, thats life.

Third is that to be sucessful you usually have to be a prick even though you don't like it. I naively asked why. Lol the answer I got was not far off from a lecture, but I enjoyed it thankfully haha. Well the theory behind it is simple, if you are entertaining a crowd of 100% , and the 10% that constantly criticize you, you listen to them consistently how much confidence are you going to have? You have to learn how to blow people off. Simple.


Assurance, it feels so good :').

Change.

I'm 19 this year for those who don't know.

I'm not a full grown adult by any means, but neither am I still lingering in my childhood. By 2013 marks the year that i've lived for 2 decades and that scares me. Well, okay not scares me. It makes me ponder on how much i've changed in a matter of... 4-5 years?

Why i'm being so borderline pessimistic is probably because I realize that these days humor & lightheartedness is rare. At least for me to find a reason to. Rewinding the clock a few years back I was happy. I was enjoying myself in school, I had a girlfriend, I laughed at everything with no worries. Hanging out with friends was more productive than not, but even friends change.

This few weeks I have been reading a lot. Reading blogs, tweets, online articles, FB rubbish, that few years of growing up have seem to made everyone into pessimists or dull-ish people. I fall into that category as dull, borderlining pessimistic.

I've been wanting to have a wholehearted chat with... someone and actually get answers. Sadly I just do not have that large or oppiniated enough a group to have more than just the usual ramblings. I have thought of starting a chat with er... a certain someone from highschool. Someone I never got to have a decent conversation with, even though i think we can chat pretty well haha. Been lazy enough to start because my friend says she doesn't like texting/whatsapping. Pfft. Okay. I've bothered her enough in highschool, not planning on starting to again. Maybe I will if I can even think of why do I want a chat.

Physically even I feel odd looking at my self everyday with short hair. I know I look good, finally my hair stands up straight and looks naturaly but... gosh. I'm almost 20 next year. My long hair phase is over. Physically i'm not a child anymore and mentally, its catching up as well in its growth phase.

I wish I had a friend that would just go to a random park with me and do nothing. I miss sitting around, doing nothing and having a popsicle while enjoying the weather.

Merry Christmas Gais!

Wow. 2012 has another 6 days left, the whole year has flown by at uhh... a blink of an eye. Hoorey i'm getting poetic! Hah. Anyways first & foremost to whoever reading this I hope you had a good year, may the next be awesome-r and God Bless.


Okay so i'm really not sure of what I wan't to blog about today. I feel... refreshed. Both mentally and physically.


Rewinding the clock to early evening where I went out for awhile with Aman to go see his car near Uncle Ramly's place (my usual carb tuner), Aman couldn't help but to go over to Uncle Ramly's shop becuz he was doing donuts. Called uncle LOA HAHA.

While being in Ramly's shop and discussing about his track escort was quite mindblowing, to see how much of work had been done in it. AP Racing brakes, Bilstein suspension with watts linkage , Avon slicks, Fully built Ford OHC 2.0 Pinto, cams, forged internals, whatever you can think of he has done it.


However though I wasn't really blown away by what he had done to the car. Anyone with money can do that too, but I was more of observing how choices in life really determine the outcome of it. The car mechanically isn't in sorry state, but the bodywork has a lot to be desired. His shop is full of spares he will never need, and he has many many outstanding loans. After leaving the place I had a chat with Aman, he says that his attitude in the past cost him his reputation, and in effect, his business and voila. Uncle Ramly isn't young anymore.


So that got me thinking as usual, seems like I do this waaaaay too much these days. Sometimes you just have to know when to put a brake on spending. Well, either that or learn to save more. Motorsports is not a cheap thing at all. Cost of the car, suspension at a minimum, tires, fuel, it goes on and on. I was just wondering how things will turn out with my car, so after dinner I hit the highway to clear my mind.


After going round and round I bumped into Loh, since I haven't seen my usual gang in awhile I decided to pop by to SK. Shortly after we settled Mike popped by as well! Then only the yamcha became interesting for me.


Somehow we started going to the topic on engine swaps then about GRA. GRA i'm not very sure if its an autocross or gymkhana, but needless to say you have a rough idea of how it's driving style is. Slow speed, techy driving. We were discussing whats needed to join, and surprisingly it's really not as much as I thought it would be. All I need is a special license and a mechanically sound car.


So tonight went very well. It's really a refreshing talk out of the usual topics which never have much depth to it, Mike & Dan managed to influence me to keep on to the GA16 first and get a bit of experience in GRA. Looks like i'll again have a new agenda for the first quarter of 2013 haha. Mike took my car out for testing and surprise surprise, he couldnt throw my car because my handbrake is too loose and it locks up on one side. Not really surprised considering the car is already tilting to one side. And even better yet... Mike says that irritating knocking sound that has been coming from my engine bay for ages is. my. engine. Hoho. Now I know why the GA's piston rings are giving up.


Looks like now I have to send it in for some mild repairs and hit the track. Mike was nice enough to offer me steelies for the rear, Dan offered me a helmet, so now I just need to run fresh brake pads, brake fluid, fix my vacuum advance on my distributor, check whether the distributor is healthy, then check the engine timing, last but not least get the front suspension to be at least level. God knows that thing handles entirely different in left and right corners hahahaha. The only thing I find super mafan about this is the fact I have to drill holes to mount a fire extinguisher. That and I have to find a solution to keep my engine from dying everytime I brake harder than ordinary. Really can't put my finger on whats the problem though, too low fuel pressure or vacuum hoses? When dropping in the car for repairs i'll just ask hows the vacuum hoses. If it's all good the only thing else to do is get a fuel regulator IF it can work on the car. If it can't then hoho, looks like I have to be hella smooth in braking.


Hmm and besides that rant I had yesterday I sort of settled it. I finally let a lot of things out of my chest but pffft, really after so many years of not chasing a girl I sound so odd on the phone. Blanking out and choking for no reason, guess thats something I have to overcome sooner or later as well haha. I slept very well yesterday after venting out everything to well... the girl I really trust. Funny though how life works. There was a time where I had broken trust among friends and I was the one apologizing, but now since the situation is reversed it is very safe to say that now I know how painful it is to lose faith in someone. Especially trust. And over a girl. This is really the biggest slap of reality I have had this 2013. Girls will always be prioritized over guys when you're older. It's not easy to start a conversation anymore when you just feel reserved all the time, having that doubt always in your mind. Too bad I can't rewind the clock and change myself, if I know the pain I probably would have thought twice.

Also I again uh... started smoking. Why? See I have this problem with myself. I can lie to humans, but I cannot lie to myself. A lot of people can lie to others, but those that can lie to themselves I don't know how they do that. While driving today I just realized that i've stopped not because I SINCERELY 150% want to stop. No it's because i'm just stooping to other to stop because they say its bad. Yes, it is bad, but for me I don't want to be that guy that relies on peoples opinions to change. I want to learn to stop it myself. I want to fall in love with a girl sincerely, I want to choose the color of my car just because I can, and not do things just because people tell me to do so.

Granted, I still have that attitude now. Mike & Dan sort of made me realize it even more, amplify my awareness. They asked me, why do you still smoke? That was in regards to me not liking GRA, or having any interest in it. So this really made me slow down and think, yes, every decision you make in life, the clothes you wear, all of it is a matter of whether you want to like it or not. Where your standards are in life. Your whole life revolves around the decisions YOU make.


The friends I made, the holding on to the wagon, smoking, liking so many girls but not admitting I more-or-less loved a single one, it's all based on self decision. But when you're constantly bombarded by opinion and peer pressure you sort of learn to like what they like. Be it a vice or virtue it's up to you. In summary I still smoke because I enjoy it. I find it a very good social ice-breaker, but its at the cost of my health. It is also at the cost of a lot of good girls, oppurtunities and all, but I know that this stubborn attitude of mine will evaporate when my life starts. Like when I actually start getting older and having more freedom to choose what I want.

Why do I say that? I suppose that all this stubborness in me is because I know I want to quit. I sincerly do. But being young I find that my life is burdened not because of people around me, it is because of me. I want to grow up fast. I want to be matured, I want to be perfect, rich, have a flawless car, flawless grades, girlfriend, friends that do everything perfectly but damn. I have to wake up. Im 19. I make mistakes. People make mistakes. I laugh. I cry. Life isn't perfect. No doubt I SHOULDN'T throw away good virtues, but at the same time I shouldn't choke myself to death trying to be perfect endlessly, rome wasn't built in a day and likewise wisdom isn't gained from doing nothing. Honestly I know that besides my vice of smoking and the odd liking for fast, noisy, old, unreliable cars im not a demon. I'm not the funniest, most charming, handsomest, richest, but I know deep in my heart I wan't to do the right thing, and live the way God wants me to be. Perhaps my vice is because I admire so much of the gentlemen of the yesteryears that I too, pick it up. Suave, slick, but still smoking haha. Also secretly, not a lot of people know that I actually like being given orders, or direction. I never like doing things by myself because I tend to put to put things off. I just preffer listening to orders from someone and doing it. However though, I know when I fall in love, and I can actually get the girl seriously, i'd do whatever it takes to keep her forever. Now though I don't have that guarantee, a lot of things in life don't come with guarantees. Perhaps then when it is time for me to settle down, the fact that I smoke and she won't give up on me will be a sign that she's the one. Idk. People always give up on me that it's frustrating.


Even odder yet, at 5am I get a surprise chat from a friend, who I shall not name, but much older than me giving life advice and reassurance. Not a Christian either, but advice that is not far from what I know. Suddenly, I feel a lot better. A lot. more. better.



Christmas is odd this year. Both in a good and bad way, but oh well life goes on yeah? :)

Peeved. (Lots Of Vulgarity)

There is a saying, somewhere, that goes as such : "Don't stir up the hornets nest."


Today is one of those days where my 'hornets nest is shaken'.


SO ODDLY ENOUGH, just yesterday I made a post where I mentioned about i'm getting over stuff, been left out, etc etc. Today, I get a message telling me that SUDDENLY my blog is fucking famous and people are worried, or something.


Well fucking hell. After so long of silence people are worried. Worried for what? Whether they did the right thing? My happiness? I cannot express in words how annoyed I am. I should just move myself off overseas and go missing and see how many more people worry about me. WHY worry of a choice you made, when you very fucking well know how it ends. Seriously even idk why i'm pissed off. Maybe its because i'm so sick of dealing with this emotional childish problems that lie within me. Being around an older company of people who are actually so much more emotionally and financially settled makes me happy. I'm sick of people excluding me because i'm a mere fucking option. I've ALWAYS been a fucking option to people. I'm fucking sick of being that guy who has a very different mentality comparing to the masses. And the last whine i'm going to whine about is that i'm SO FUCKING SICK OF TRYING TO BE CONSIDERATE. Fucking getting stepped on and forgotten, only when a physical asset is needed to be borrowed or when someone wants to know how to make their car marginally faster they consider calling me out.


When I fucking want to stop thinking about stuff, that stuff just doesn't leave me alone doesn't it? Annoyance max. Ruined a perfect family dinner, ruined my mood, ruined my appetite, I hate my holidays. Fucking wish I had college work to do to take my mind off things and actually learn. I wish I had more unavoidable responsibilities. Full time job where I can earn my own salary to fund my own house and cars, to raise my own children with my own wife. Something I can call my own. Everything I have now is just on loan.

It Stings But....

It's not fun when your past constantly haunts you. Lingering on your shoulders, whispering in your ear reminding you of what you once were. How angry I once was. How indecisive I was. How I never deserve a lot of things I have in life. How I have missed so many oppurtunities in life.


But the good thing about that is there's always the present, and the future! Totes should be looking forward to the future with God as a guide, and not so much as my self intuition. Not like its helped much anyways. I know as long as I aim for what is good, what is wholesome and what is pleasing in Gods eyes I can't really go wrong. Or can I?


Been 2 weeks since that situation went down. I'm feeling much numb-er, a hint of annoyance, and still weeellll i'll admit it, I have hints of regrets lingering internally. But it should fade away sooner or later. Gotten a lot of things done so far this holiday, I have been already excluded from the usual yamchas, been excluded from holiday plans, its fun to see who actually misses my company and who doesn't at all.


I suppose I can get very dull after awhile. HA. Anyways had a chat with Aman today about his 4 door MK1 escort. He plans to S-C-R-A-P it which reaaaally got me getting all twitchy. The ford is still in pretty decent shape! Fast forwarding to the conclusion though, I cheekily asked him whether I can have the car for free. Like, literally.


Guess what? He agreed. FREE ESCORT BITCHES. But whether it actually happens that remains to be seen.

Sudden realization.

I think it's safe to say i'm reacting this way because of my traits in my attitude.


I'm just going to dub myself as a perfectionist. A perfectionist and an extremist. Never really thought much about my traits until recently.

I always stress myself to aim for perfection amongst the imperfect.

I cannot stand anything that is half-baked or just made for the sake of it, if there is no heart in the making process there is no point to it.

I dislike the mentality of people who have that 'biarlah' attitude.


All that inside of me has driven me to become bored of the things around me, it's as if nothing can really impress me anymore. A fast car is a fast car. A show car here locally is retarded. I compare everything to perfection which as good as a quality it is, it too can be a very rotten one when no space is given for people to grow into something better.


I have to tone it down, or at least keep it to myself. OR I could just move overseas to where people actually bother about things. Maybe, I don't know.

Ow.

Suddenly, i'm happy. Suddenly, i'm sad all over again.

I hate having emotions, from one high moment to an all time low I can roughly understand why people describe emotions as a roller-coaster. Sitting now behind this wooden desk I feel very uhm, mooooody.

But I was happy just now in the afternoon! Finally after Jesus returned from the heavens and the earth had finally ended in a fiery inferno I my dad woke me up to get the wagon fixed. Cutting things short its now lying in someones workshop, someone i've always trusted since high school. He & his dad is a blessing, they do wizardry in electronic repairs and the wonders in making simple tunes sound better.

After that the brake parts that we ordered at Kakimotor finally arrived, so we had that changed also. New EBC Greenstuff pads, new VTTR slotted & drilled discs and fresh brake fluid. As I was sitting there finishing my last cigarette in the pack I suddenly went to an all time low realizing that these things that i'm happy with are perishable materials.

Y'know how annoying it is for your brain to bring you up when you see something you like then realize that its not going to last forever? I got moody thinking about the past weekend again too, now that i've accepted reality, i'm unsure of how to act around them. I worry I will suddenly feel like a stranger again in the own church I grew up in.

So far i've calmed down a lot more over the last few days, still have that poor appetite/moody mood swings but falling asleep for me is the hardest. Don't get me wrong, I DO sleep peacefully, but to get there I have to keep replaying the scene in my head like a taunt. Pretty much why this blog is magically active again, its no surprise that i've always liked typing down my thoughts.

But still its not exactly fun to have constant repititions of something you don't want to repeat, repeating over and over and over in your head when you lay it down to rest. Well at least once I fall asleep I can sleep tight. Too tight perhaps.

Sleeping patterns have been very reversed, waking up in the late PM to blog out what I feel in the AM and then fall asleep around dawn. But if I have learned something from this is that communication is always the strongest if you want to keep somone close to you. That, and feelings, they have to reciprocate amongst 2. If it's 1 sided it's sad. Like me huehuehue. The last 2 is that all's fair in love and war, girls will always be more important than guys. Why?

I won't bother explaining. Sort of gave you the pieces of the puzzle, and its only 2 to get it complete. Really in the future I have to be more socialable around the people I like. Silly that it's almost a year where I have been in mass com and I cannot even tell that the girl I adore already admires someone else :(. And if I remember correctly, I have asked her whether there was anyone going after her. *SIGHS* What sort of answer was I expecting? It's as sensical as going up to anyone on the street and asking them for their deepest darkest desire, then hoping for a sincere answer.

But on the other side of the story I can hold a conversation with girls that I treat merely as friends. I really do hope I don't fall into self-condemnation but goodness, the amount of stupid I feel is way beyond 9000. And i'm not angry, or sad, i'm just so disappointed that I cannot rewind back the clock to try it again.

Now I have to wait and try to fix awkwardness with a girl who knows every single thing I admire about her and the guy who went after her then apologized.

I really cannot fathom the logic in that at all. How is apologizing supposed to help me? It's like buying a house that I just don't have enough resources to purchase or consider seriously at this point in time, then after buying it I get an apology. At least there are no secrets kept though. That is something I find admirable.

There are ups in this. At least, at least, I still managed to finally confess to a girl before my wedding day. I managed to feel how it's like to have plain stupid adoration towards someone. I managed to be head over heels with someone, yet not knowing about it. I managed to see the true colors of my friend without gettting him drunk or angry. You only know that you really really like someone when you get panic attacks when someone tells you she likes him. Coming from someone who never gets panic attacks this is... quite amazing. And at least I got my favorite lesson of all, reality. Reality that time doesn't wait for anyone, people will do things if you're slow and don't take oppurtunities. It's even better if you're busy. Taking that oppurtunity, from others is just so easy. How many things am I going to lose at the moment until I stop getting slaps of reality? I'm not pointing fingers, you can't call dibs on a human being, its just that it's extremely harsh to get reminded in this way.

I have to remember not to put so much faith and trust into people. Everybody has their own vice, but I fail to remember that once the oppurtunity for temptation takes hold its hell to pull out. I mean this words are coming from a smoker, i've tried quitting a while now. So far it's not working because I genuinely love tobacco, it's rich cultural background and how it came to be. With every puff I feel like i'm breathing history through my lungs, but its just a shitload of things that will kill me. As much as I know this I can never convince myself to stop. Likewise if an oppurtunity opens, who can resist making a beautiful girl laugh, to get her wrapped her around your little finger with her feelings, to just have that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling once again? It's hard. I do wan't all of that, but i've always been a 'later' person. Some people wan't it... well earlier than me I suppose. Were humans.

So no doubt if you don't try to make a move, you don't do anything about an oppurtunity, you too will be blogging here like me on regretting how you missed an oppurtunity. And no you can't point fingers, it doesn't work that way. You can't stop people from liking each other, thats just inhuman. If you love someone let them go. Love, like, if you're a human you don't be a tyrant.

I think i'll just end this with a verse that was on instagram. Yes, i'm sorry I don't pick my bible up enough :(.


Love is patient
Love is kind
Love it does not envy
Love it does not boast
Love it is not proud
Love it is not rude
Love it is not self-seeking
Love it is not easily angered
Love keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil
Love rejoices with the truth
Love always protects
Love always trusts
Love always hopes
Love always perseveres
Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Not exactly word for word correct, I did get it off my friends acc. But after reading this I just felt so much... calmer. It is a good few verses to remember though, someday I hope that I can have the time to read the bible to my wife & children like how my parents used to read it to me. As much as atheists say the bible is just a story book, for merely a story book they put in a lot of effort in its content.

Funny coincidence, the last time this happened was too when a new Disney show was launched that I liked. It's been twice now.