150th post, hurreh.

NOPE, no celebrations here if you're wondering.

I just decided to create another post so that the previous post has its own unique content, nothing mixed up like my feelings  to confuse whoever may be reading this. Hi reader, thanks for taking time to read my rants :3.

'Nyways okay. I have a lot of fears in me. Every now and then theres always that problem I encounter, I run out of intellectual people to chat with. No i'm not labelling myself as intellectual, but I do crave these sort of conversations every now and then, it's just weird for a 19 year old! A 19 year old asian kid should be driving a myvi with pirated wheels and not caring about a thing in the world. Maybe he should be taken, drinks every once in awhile and has a circle of friends who are likewise.



No, not me. My similarities end at being a 19 year old asian kid.



For starters I have a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor. I lost majority of my childish humor maybe 1 or 2 years ago, or even more, God knows. I can't remember much. I don't enjoy chasing every girl that gives me the oppurtunity to date her, I don't enjoy social drinking, or drinking at all, cause that tastes like shit. I worry all the time that i'll never find a wife who is Godly, yet interesting. I worry that with this mouth of mine I won't go anywhere locally because ALL I enjoy doing is talking not in chinese, but in english.


Sometimes I just feel like leaving Malaysia y'know. The kid inside of me always tries to tell me that the pasture is greener on the other side even though i've never actually been there, and my more mature side reminds me that no, those awesome videos you see of nice cars, most of them took a few years to build and their owners are well over 19.

Oh and speaking of cars, would you all believe that i'm starting to lose my interest in them? YES I have seen a lot of cars for a kid, driven a lot too, but not being financially able to support my hobby? Yeah no wonder i'm losing interest. Whatever i'm good at I never seem to have the resources to back it up.

I hope some day I find a place where I can fit in properly, have an audience that actually stimulates my mind and can rationally give me opinions, other than base it on mere feelings. And maybe too, I can flourish there along with my passion.

Yet here I am being a kid, getting panic attacks based on my feelings. Ironical huh? At least now I really really know who I sincerely like deep down. If I didn't, I wouldn't have reacted this badly.

I'm really unsure of this.

Prayers can be very scary.

Well okay, not the prayer, but the way you get replied. Or if you don't.

Its been the second night now, and okay I have to admit having a chat did make a lot of things much better than yesterday. I still haven't convinced/forgiven myself over my slowness, but still, I can't sleep.

Always I have this undying fear that just can't seem to be extinguished by anyone, I always worry, if the world is going to waste why should I bother being good? Why should I keep faith? Am I worthy of having anything in my life?

So I decided to say a quiet prayer about 10 minutes ago, I just asked God "whats the point of me?". I got an answer immediately; "Proverbs 15:28" . For real God?

"Kay lah whats the harm, i'm already awake aren't I?"

As I flip through my bible app (its too dark to use my real bible) the verse says: " The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil. "

I'm still puzzled by this verse, about the heart of the righteous weighs its answers and all. Perhaps it is a hint I am doing the right thing because i've witheld my tongue a few times? Or perhaps it's a reminder that the world just says as they please? Or perhaps it is an indication that I shall need to be more of a controlled person?

Really unsure of how to take this verse in. Reading online commentaries have not really helped much with me fitting it in with my life, I understand the verse as it is, it's not the most complicated one out there.

I'll just pray on that later once i'm done with this post.





Glad though that I managed to speak to her. It feels like a huge relief off my chest. I still have yet to figure out on how to erase her face out of my memory every 5-10 seconds or so. It's horrible isn't it? Always being haunted by something you want, but can't have. If this is bad I feel so horrible for those who had a lasting relationship and had to break up. It must feel like 500000000000000 times worse.

Though I think i'd like to give her a new years prezzie or something. Since i've already failed the first time, i'm not going to miss this chance again.

Such An Irony.

(WARNING THIS IS EMOTIONAL DRIVEL, STAY FAR AWAY IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ EMOTIONAL DRIVEL)

It's so ironic living some times.

Planning for the future doesn't work without any action now. A concept that i've always had in my mind but do I ever put it into action? Oh no. I just assure myself that circumstances dont change so easily. Don't impose on others. Wait till i'm better off.

This has been the second time this has happened, but oh God, it's just so painful to bear. It feels like a nightmare. I finally understand and relate to all those shows where people live in regret of not saying the things they wan't to say early. Stupid thing is though, this has happened twice now. At least the first the chances were low but the second...

The second time is just stupid. So stupid. I keep telling myself to give people space for studies. Give time for her to heal from her ex. I'll bring her out on dates perhaps during my holidays when i'm free. Maybe I can finally admit to her properly.

But I forget that i'm not the only guy out there and just like sucker punch, I get emotionally hit again suddenly.




OKAY i'm sorry if the post above didn't make much sense, in summary, it's been 2 times now I have witheld my tongue from admitting that I love like someone. It's 2 times i've been afraid. 2 times my judgement is just downright shit. If only I started doing things earlier there might have been progress. Even if nothing were to happen at least I tried. But for fucks sake, my procrastination is going to be the end of me. It's not just bad that I procrastinate with my work, passing it up just in the nick of time but now I make things oh-so awkward between a good friend and her because I procrastinate in making a move even hints were made. I feel beyond fucking stupid.

And God knows how it developed so fast. I cannot brain/fathom/imagine/compete. Cuz i'm smooth as sand when it comes to someone I really. really. adore.

Throwing up water & dinner isn't a fun experience either. At least I made a discovery that I suffer when adrenaline hits, the last time I remember throwing up was from overeating. Likeee 2 packets of noodles and 3/4 quarter loaf of bread, with nutella. Today I managed to survivie on 3 pots of tea, a coke, and... thats it. I threw my dinner/lunch up so I guess nothing got digested.

I hate trying to be an angel to everyone, whenever I do something nobody cares, when I screw up everyone remembers it for life. I hate driving extremely slow. I hate to behave on how society dictates me. I've lost so much of my own personality i'm not even sure of who I am anymore. My life isn't going anywhere, I lost an inspiration today (is this considered as an idol though?), my passion is too dangerous, expensive, that and majority of people locally only share partially of it. I can't do anything valuable to the society.

At this point in time I only have God with me. And of course my family and closer friends, that is if they want to help. Only God knows whether they do but it is harsh to accept reality. Better the bitter truth than a sweet lie they say. But bitter is never tasty, for the first time in months/years i've finally broken down again. Going for a drive alone with worship songs can really make you teary. And a gargling mess of tears in the driver seat. Well I always have been emotive haven't I? I mean c'mon I still have a blog :(.

Though i'm not pointing fingers at anyone but myself. I feel like such a loser for not trying at all. All I ever do is think about other people these days, I don't think for myself anymore. How can I please my parents, my friends, my teachers, all except God. FRANKLY this pattern should be reversed. That was at least how I was last time, I didn't care too much about everything except God, and now look at me.

The wake up slap is so harsh I lost the upper hand of winning the girl that always makes me smile stupid. The most consistent girl that could make me laugh.

Fuck. I'm going to miss her sarcasm so bad that i'm tearing again.

I'm going to miss the way she just makes my day by saying hi.
I'm going to miss having a proper conversation.
I'm going to miss all the small details that just make me happy.



I really am such a child :(.

Really really.

Perhaps too much. 

It's Been Awhile.

My my. Where to begin with?

It's been a very very long time since i've blogged. Truth be told I think i've changed, but i'll let God be the judge of that. Physically i've decided to keep short hair! Other than that i'm getting older day by day.

No surprise huh?

Mmm and there's my LWW. (LittleWhiteWagon) Poor guy has been pretty abused ever since i've recieved my drivers license. Thinking about that i'm already a full-blown road legal driver as I took off my 'P' sticker yesterday while washing the wagon.

Any updates of it? Yeah sure. Of course there will be change.

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING on the car is starting to fall apart. The central locking is tempremental, my windows work as they please, I have no horn, the suspension is lopsided, brake pads are worn. rear drums are on the way out... and its saving grace was once the engine.

But nooooo. Not anymore. It's recently started to start BLOWING OUT OIL. It puts any secret agents smoke screens to shame. And if you think i'm kidding, I lose 3 litres of oil (around 3 quarts for you 'mericans) in 4-5 weeks?

Anyways being the almost-annual update, the wagon is (hopefully) going to receive SR20 power. SR20DET power, if all goes according to plan. Bigger wheels, brakes, the works one at a time. Funny how machines can be fixed with a thick wallet in comparision to life.

I haven't been too happy with myself. It seems that growing up is really not as fun as I expected it to be. I'm still on cigarettes, though, in honor to a bargain with my parents for the engine, I will be quitting soon. That and my friendship with people seems shaky all the time. Got an earful from my mum today. She said that she always hears that I get into conflicts with my friends, and that my attitude is at part.

THANKFULLY, I wasn't in the mood to argue. Just took it in like most of girls people would, but it did get me thinking. Why am I so stubborn over my views of perfection? Am I some sort of biased oppressive tyrant that rules with an iron fist just to get his way? Sadly in my own understanding, thats how people take me as. Generally I can NEVER seem to give in to other peoples point of views, those of the same age and people who are younger. Maybe it's because I hang around so many older people I start thinking like them. Maybe it was my upbringing to try to be straight as an arrow and chase perfection. Maybe i'm just flawed? Only God knows. At most I can give is a sincere sorry as I never mean to have that sort of image. I just cannot be outright stupid anymore. I can't laugh at stupid things anymore, my sense of humor is dead.

This brings me to question myself daily of where I would fit in amongst people daily. It's sickening to hear pastors and all from young predicting i'll be somewhere someday. I mean okay my faith is starting to grow in God but IF this is really training to be a better person, i've got to say the process that has to happen, it's pretty bitter. Your thinking will be altered according to a whole new level, in ways so different you just connect the dots differently from people around.

But then again if I were to connect the dots on a drawing book in any other manner than it was designed with society gives a what-the-fuck-Ian, then I go back to the drawing board questioning myself. Maybe God too at times.

To say the least, it bothers me pretty often why I can't be more productive in the society. Though my parents always remind me that I need a lot of refinement and who am I to argue, I know that personally myself.

Hobbywise you'd probably gasp in horror after reading this. I don't exactly get very fascinated by cars anymore. *GASP* Well okay I still do, but I just realized I preffer classic/vintage/antiques more than modified cars. It just oozes a certain aura of craftsmanship about it? And this kind of scares me. The whole point in me being well, me, is that i'm a car crazy person.

However profession-wise I seem to be at least having a direction somewhere. So far i've taken up public relations and broadcasting in college as my majors, pretty fast how time flies huh? It's almost a year i've been in college, and 2 sems are over. College too has been a blessing. My classmates, the majority of them are extremely hardworking, and determined to a certain extent. They aim for something in their life. What exactly I don't know precisely, but it is comforting to be able to have people that actually give a fuck (Sorry it is my blog after all.) about passing college, and not just by marks, but by actually learning.

As time goes by I start to understand that learning and passing exams has very little to do with each other. Any cheater can pass an exam by copying, but only a few will actually grasp the whole idea and put it to use. I pray hard that i'll be in the latter. God knows how much I take pride in knowledge. On earth there really isn't much that can rival knowledge in its life value, not so much in physical form.

Wrapping this up I'm not going to lie, I feel very sick of being single sometimes. Not just in the sense where I feel like I want a girlfriend, but I feel very down because the only aim in my life is to... work hard for myself. Me. Mua. I. It gets boring when physically you have everything you need, and certain things you want. The challenges in my life are few, trully I am very very blessed. But I really wish that I was older, maybe with a stable job that I enjoy, and it's my time to hunt for a wife.

Pretty sure I don't get a lot of readers here so i'm just going to admit this here, I cannot wait to be taken full time. I really just cannot see the point in going after girls in the short run anymore. This is how much logic seems to have overcome my thinking, that and emotion. Yes, yes I still do get my crushes from time to time. Yes I still adore the girl that I used to in high school, but all that will forever stay as what-ifs and thats about it. For now. I can't predict the future can I?

Speaking of crushes recently I went to see Wreck-it Ralph with my college mate. After watching it, I now have a new dream. Not just I would like a daughter, I would like her to be like Venellope Von Schweetz! Not going to spoil the show but if you're highly emotive as I am, you'll be laughing and crying in seperate occasions.

I hope my wife will be a fan of Disney, or at least hopefully cartoons. If she isn't meh :(.

Focus Needed!

Like the title says, I need focus.

I'm a person of very very little focus, when I study if im alone I tend to... wander off mentally if I get bored with a subject, wondering on possibilities of this car being modded, dating that girl, doing this activity and so on and so on.

Anyways I need focus in finishing a few things, main priority is my fixie. I bought it as a project but shieeetttt, Ian, how many months has it been lying there being broken? Quite a few akshulleh.

Hopefully I can start stripping it down and restoring it back to health with a LOVELY surprise which I think, i'll be the only one in the whole world that has done that to his fixie ^.^V hoho swag points.

I need to also, lose weight. I lost 4kgs actually since the fight being depressed and eating less and having a proper nights rest, but I need the exercise. Bought jogging shorts until now I havent exactly used them, Ian you fatstuff. Go jog :B.

I need focus to read the bible and get closer to God, because really it must be God teaching me lesson after lesson after being so stubborn. It feels sad to neglect God because really, whether he exists or not to you atheists I know he exists, you cant explain why you get that gut feeling to read a certain verse, or that rush of coldness when you praise God. If you want to bring science into it be my guess, but what triggers it I highly doubt is of the world. Alienz hoho. I highly believe God exists, has been blessing me with material wealth, wisdom, love, choices, and has been there to take care of me. And pulling me out of a useless situation with a slap of reality? Lovely. I couldnt be more grateful to God and of course, the wonderful people that helped me realize my mistake.

I need also to finally get the courage to have a conversation with that certain person that I admire. 3 years and not a lot of convos ahaha, yes if you're reading this hihi :B. I'd like a bible buddy, perhaps you can help me? :3 Please?

Lastly, I need focus in studies, I pray that God will give me wisdom & knowledge for college because Lord knows im gonna need them in the choice of course and in terms of doing work.

I really think though that journalism should be a very good course for me since I love english, fur realz :B. The thought of long essays make me happy because i'm proud (not good, but yeah) of my English :p. Nowadays I hear from bosses in corporations the young generation is stupid because their english is so poor they cant communicate with people overseas, that makes me feel good but thats quite bad so i'll need to pray for humility HAHA :p.

OH WELL summary of it all i've got a lot planned out for 2012, and a HUGE project hopefully that comes true, will blog that later on this month hopefully? Buhbai :3.

145th Post.

I think this post is going to be more emotional hum-drum, if you're not intrested in how i'm feeling nowadays you can gladly stop reading here :).

Anyways moving on, i've reached a point in life where I cant figure myself out. The people I used to hang out with are gone, even if I magically become best buddies with them it doesnt really point direction in my life like it used to! Say when I was 14-15, I was experimenting on clothes, cycling, working out, dreaming for my car to be finished, waiting for my drivers license, wondering how post-SPM life feels like and really enjoying myself in the process.

Now its 4 years after 15, im 19 this year. I'm not exactly a kid anymore, only having a year more 'till being a proper adult so the worries of responsibilities have been bugging me, and I cant shake the worry. These days if you just use my iPhone and scroll through my twitter you're bound to find something like ' I dont give a fuck la just chill ' or ' Fuck you you think you very cool meh? ' , idk if its just me or what but I find cursing a major turnoff? Especially girls nowadays jeez, whatsup with your mouths, so scary la to think that future mothers are going to be scolding the kids with 4 letter words and having a IDGAF attitude in the family.

Unlike our parents, they work hard, they dont have 'SWAG' like us, i'm really worried that someday the whole world is gonna screw itself up because of this current generation. If you were to survey around nowadays whether anyone thinks of marriage, you'll get a lot of yes's but preparing yourself for it? Not much. Nobody cares to care for one another also, its not common hearing some weird kid being left out or picked on in school because he's socially awkward. I mean okay la if he's irritating I get you, but why not try to fix them? If all fails then abandon ship la, at least you TRIED.

I mean hey they're 18, smokings cool, pool is cool, driving flashy cars is cool, having SWAG is cool, cursing your mother is cool, seriously doesnt anyone get tired of this? Or is it just me? Party this party that dont give a damn about this dont give a damn about that.

Generally im concerned on how the world is ever going to function since we have this attitude nowadays, the young generation just doesnt care at all about fixing or improving ANYTHING except on how cool they are. Ask them whether they know how to fix a doorknob, a car, or cook fried rice majority wont. Ask them whats the best place to shisha, mod a car, or club they'll never stop talking.

If really Malaysia is going to screw itself up over time sorry to say Malaysia, I love you so much but if the people in it are going to ruin you im leaving for a better country that has more patriotism and cares more about upbringing of the society rather than here. I dont want my kids to be clueless idiots just demanding for more material wealth and swag instead of doing something usefull.

Doesnt anybody out there ever want a clean image and to be full of knowledge, or is that just me? :( Changing a countries mentality wont be easy thats for sure heh. I'm surrounded by majority of people that just dont care, but thankfully by the grace of God I still have those few people that keep these few qualities and are actually bothered about how they live. IF I ever lose those friends you can pretty much expect me to dissapear just as well, I dont enjoy living with people who are AWESOME at not caring about anything but themselves and how to enjoy everything.

I've also given up trying to correct other people that dont wanna be corrected, y'know its ironic I got scolded for having an anger problem when the person that lectured me had the same thing, not exactly practicing what you preach but were human. So... thats not for me to answer to, let God work the knots out of them.


MY MY i'm making myself depressed, maybe I should stop now.

Life Can Be Weird.

Oh. so. weird.

It's been... 2 months? I think since the quarrel.

I'm officially outcast from my old 'gang' whoever hangs out with who anyways, and surprisingly it doesnt feel too bad!

I always had this mentality that they were my only friends, but wow. Life really can change, detour, whatever you wanna label it as, and suddenly old friends are popping up from all over the place.

Y'know I dont really care if they read this, because it reminds me of how cheap words are. That goes both ways on what I promised people and what they promise me, I never thought I would have ruined my friendship so bad with them, and I never thought they would leave me because I always was bombarded with "Brother mou?". Fuck your brother mou's la, they're for people that will never ever make you unhappy. I have finally come to realize that I, for myself, need to think a LOT before speaking, doing anything in particular because the lack of thinking has made me in such a situation. Also need to keep a mental memo that birds of the same feather flock together, no wonder when I cant deliver it goes vice versa.

All that bullshit of saying " you're like a brother, brother mou, brothers for life "... has no weight at all. IRONICALLY though, the people that I thought would never speak to me again in my life did, and have started contacting me out of the blue.

I find life very weird, and im very dissapointed at the poor choices i've made in my high school days. Have been warned by seniors, other people, but no I still decide to be ignorant and have lotsa fun. Its sad I cant take back time... but nevertheless this is still one of my BEST life lessons and probably the most HURTING. Yeah if you were wondering I still do have my emotions and I DID enjoy my time being with them but people change.

Heck before this everyone didnt hang out with each other, some of them didnt like other people of certain groups. Ironic right? But I guess thats what makes us humans, human, we judge on reputation.

I may have screwed up more than once but from now on I highly doubt i'll do this again, I dont really want to remember what has happened or who didnt like who because it makes me feel like i've been very unjustly accused, but then again my crap was more prominent than the rest so i'm guilty as charged.

This post will be here to remind me to shut my mouth more often, think, PRAY to God so that I wont live my life  thinking and most importantly, find friends that actually care & bother about me, like, really bother not just fucking yapping on how 'brotherly' we are and then dissapearing when I screw up.

I'm glad though that they're kind enough to forgive me (I hope, sincerly) so bless them for that. Really God, I have tons of reasons to be mad but I know I shouldnt because they're human and so am I, who am I to judge? They have fixed me so thank you for that if you're reading this, may somebody else better than I am fix them because clearly i'm not needed to them anymore, and my words hold no weight anymore. Trust takes a very long time to gain, but a second to lose. This saying couldnt summarize my mistake any better sadly. I dont blame anybody for leaving though, after all we all were a group that doesnt stay at home, listen to mommy and daddy go to church and be goodie 2 shoes. I DO want to be like that though, so its time for me to start cleaning up my act and have a 180 degree turn in who I am. I've also come to a point where i'm not as funny as I used to be, less vulgar, less energetic, poorer, uncool, basically im becoming someone entirely different hoho.

Thank you all though for whatever you've given me as a gift, box of golden lugnuts, a very lovely mixtape (CD) with cutesy words written all over it, letters when I still mattered in your life, the hugs, the countless repairs on my car, the yamcha sessions, heck even the Penang trip. If I never went i'd still be living life as an irritating douchebag so thank you all for fixing me up after. Thanks also for leaving me out all the time after finding new people to talk to, it made me realize how disposable a 'brother' is after he screws up, and how many more funnier more fun 'brother's are out there.

Now though I dont know actually who needs me around. Mmm. Life is very very weird. I wonder how college life will be... I just hope, and pray very very hard I dont get my life stuck in this same cycle where everynight I do nothing but make jokes, smoke a couple of shishas, call everyone bro then go home.

I want my life to be more than that. More fulfilling and in depth than that.